There are three types of people in this world: those who believe podcasts are God’s greatest gift since the Garden of Eden, those who religiously listened to Serial: Season 1 after Sandy from HR heard about it on Good Morning America, and those who think I’m talking about a new-age medical breakthrough that heals broken bones while simultaneously allowing one to sleep for centuries to preserve their youth so they can live in a world where humans have solved the issue of mortality. And although that sounds like a dope concept – someone from UCLA definitely needs to get on that – podcasts have little to nothing to do with medicine (unless you’re really into TED Radio Hour, and in that case, it has everything to do with disorders and data and medical marijuana). So, if you happen to fall in the third category, open up your iPhone and look for that purple app with a white, bald angel wearing an oversized halo. You may remember it as the app that you couldn't delete when you ran out of space on your phone during your niece’s ballet recital; but, if you get confused, it’s labeled “Podcasts”.
Yet, some of us fall into category one – the guys and gals who know that NPR has an app and spend their commutes listening to their favorite comedians, scholars, and reality TV stars talk about Donald Trump conspiracy theories, give advice on how to tell their partners that they want to try anal, and ponder the existence, or non-existence (!), of free will (s/o to all the Waking Up with Sam Harris fans). This article is for you people about the traits and behaviors that only podcast-lovers would have.
Most of your sentences begin with “So on this podcast, I was listening to….”
It’s gotten to the point that even when you omit the preface and again start talking about something that you find wildly interesting and no one around you cares about, your friends facetiously ask you – “Did you learn that on a podcast today?”. Because yes, yes you did. Why would you read a book or an article or watch the news when an expert can give you the highlights? You’re a time-savvy intellectual that enjoys the comfort of constantly hearing voices talk to you. It’s something to be proud of.
And you’re always enthusiastically and emphatically suggesting podcasts for your friends to listen to!!!!!!!!
But they never bite. It’s gotten to the point that you physically download these shows onto their phones – so they get the notifications – but they still don’t recall that these specific podcasts even exist the next time you reference them in conversation. You really don’t understand how people can so passively reject enlightenment.
You know which day of the week it is by the podcast notification you get in the morning.
The fact that Fridays are your favorite is heavily influenced by the fact that it’s the same day your guilty-pleasure show releases its newest episode. It also helps that the office serves donuts on Friday mornings and that you’ll most definitely be binge drinking on a budget and making bad decisions by five p.m.
When you’re listening to music and miss a lyric because your mind wandered for a bit, you hit the back button, forgetting that it’ll take you to the beginning of the song instead of rewinding ten seconds.
Netflix really needs this “ten-second rewind” feature as well. HBO Go has it. Hulu has it. Your last relationship doesn’t have a rewind button, so everything else should, right? This feature on the podcast app is brilliant – it’s the saving grace for when you zone out during Bill Burr’s punch line, Dan Savage’s relationship revelation, or Bill Kurtis’s opening sexual innuendo on Wait Wait…Don’t Tell Me! But again, UCLA people – time travel would be an awesome solution for those who regret going on that first date to Applebee’s karaoke night with their ex-boyfriend. Just putting it out there.
You will do just about anything to make it to a live taping of your favorite podcast.
Austin became your favorite city when you heard that South by Southwest is a thing. Budget reorganized and flights booked for mid-March stat. (Unless you’re a broke Millennial – in that case, you just pray really hard every night before you go to sleep that your favorite show – or any show - makes it to your town sometime soon… and that grandma lives to see another Christmas, of course).
You found yourself with a Squarespace blog, a Casper mattress, a drawer-full of solely MeUndies underwear, a living room decorated by Framebridge, and a house you probably should not have bought thanks to Rocket Mortgage.
Yet, you’re still wondering why your bank account is down to $12.37.
But even in your poorest moments, your podcasts are always free. And for that, you are eternally grateful.
Except you still have to listen to those damn advertisements – and be constantly tempted to add to your clearly already extensive collection of podcast-sponsored items.
Current status: broke (but enlightened).
