7 Questions You Are Bound To Be Asked At Holiday Family Gatherings
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7 Questions You Are Bound To Be Asked At Holiday Family Gatherings

Embellished with a little too much sarcasm.

7 Questions You Are Bound To Be Asked At Holiday Family Gatherings

With the holidays quickly approaching, there are so many wonderful things to look forward to; breaks from school, home-cooked meals, timeless movies, and FFF. “What’s FFF?”, you so innocently ask. Well, let me be the first to educate you. FFF stands for Forced Family Fun. If you have never experienced this phenomenon, then bless your heart, but to the majority of you who have, here are some all too familiar questions that you can expect to be asked at family gatherings this holiday season.

1. “How’s College?"

Before you applied to college, this question was adapted as “So, where are you thinking about applying, sweetheart?” After you applied, it was “So, what schools have you applied to?” When the acceptance letters started to appear, it was “Where are you going to college?” And now that your fate has been sealed and you are safely tucked away at some arbitrary school, these sweet relatives inquire after your well-being. There are a couple of different ways you can approach answering this question.

You can go mainstream (lots of exclamation points indicate an over-enthusiastic tone, complimented by laughter in all of the wrong places): “It’s really good! The academics are rigorous, but so rewarding!! I love my sorority, and our philanthropy events bring the deepest parts of my heart the greatest joy!! Oh, and don’t even get me started on the food, it’s to die for!!!”

Or, you can take the sarcastic route, which is always a little risky in my experience, because you never really know how people are going to react: “I LOVE Wofford. School is hard, and I mean, really hard. Ya girl is struggling, but hopefully I won’t fail out, ha ha… No, I’m not actually failing, I was joking, ha ha, yes, I remember you telling me that you transferred in your sophomore year to marry Uncle Bob. Latin is the worst language ever spoken (mostly because everyone who ever spoke it went and died, so that means it must be bad for you, am I right?). Aunt Sue, my bank account is almost as sad-looking as the food choices for people with dietary restrictions… yes, ma’am, I have a gluten intolerance. The girls in my sorority are already my best friends, and they are some of the biggest weirdos I know… oh, no, I didn’t mean that for real, I was kidding, like, you know how you joke around with your friends? Ha ha yes, ma’am, I had heard that ya’ll had gotten new kitchen cabinets…” *Aunt Sue changes subject to her kitchen renovations*

2. “Do you have anyone special in your life?”

UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES SHOULD YOU UTTER A WORD ABOUT YOUR SIGNIFICANT OTHER IN FRONT OF ANY KIND OF RELATIVE. Regardless of whether you have one or not, anyone with half a brain knows to steer clear of this topic all together. Old people love a good gossip session, so bring up someone’s recent divorce or death instead (also, do not listen to anything I say, who the heck would bring up death? No, bad idea.) Talk about babies or the weather, these topics are much less detrimental to your emotional well-being, and you’ll get the scoop about great aunt Alice’s latest boyfriend drama. If the question persists, just work your way around it. “Yes! I have so many people near and dear to my heart, all special in their own right.”

3. “So what exactly is *insert dietary restriction here*?”

It’s the most wonderful thing that’s ever happened to me! Really! Gluten Intolerance/Lactose Intolerance/Doctor-Recommended Veganism is truly wonderful! I can’t eat anything!!!!!! :)

4. “Can you come fix my phone for me?”

Grandma, it was just turned off.

5. “Do you want anything else to eat?” “Are you sure you’re not still hungry?” “Do you still work out everyday?” “Wait, take leftovers, ya’ll will go hungry tonight if you don’t.”

Okay, we’re getting into some pretty serious territory. I love, LOVE my southern family, but if you’re even remotely from the south, you understand the struggle of being over-fed. Do I want another three rolls with melted butter dripping off their sides like a calorie slide from heaven? YES, YES I DO. Do I need them? No, SO DO NOT TEMPT ME.

As for the working out, “yes, ma’am, I do work out.” “Oh, that’s lovely, do you want another piece of my apple pie with some homemade ice cream?” ...and we’re back at square one. There is an art to finding the balance of how much one should eat at these family gatherings, and just when you think that you have the discipline under control, you find out that all the leftovers have mysteriously disappeared from the refrigerator. You then see Aunt Linda’s car driving away faster than anyone who isn’t trying to steal half the Thanksgiving leftovers should be, and before you know it, you're sprinting after the car with the flashing image of that beautiful apple pie on replay in your head. (You probably think I made this up, and that’s sweet of you.)

6. “How are your savings holding up from that job you had last summer?”

Alright, let’s cut to the chase. Yes, I am broke. Yes, I need your money AND sympathy. Yes, I hate myself for it. No, I do not want an oriental scarf that you picked up last week because you it made you think of the way my hair grew back after I cut it when I was six. “My savings are holding up just fine!"

7. “Is that what everyone’s wearing these days?”

Grandma thinks she's all big and bad now that she learned how to turn her phone on and off. "Grandma, cut a girl some slack, you have jeans on too."

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This article has not been reviewed by Odyssey HQ and solely reflects the ideas and opinions of the creator.

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