So you're hanging out with your family, it's Christmas, and you've just sat down to a plate of food that you're going to devour within the next two minutes. Suddenly, your eccentric aunt/uncle/grandmother/cousin/second cousin sits down in the chair across from you and you know you're in for it.

A bombardment of questions about your college life and what your future holds are about to commence. Here are some questions, and (sarcastic) responses, so that you don't feel so awkward and you can actually finish your meal in peace:

How are classes going?

Great! How's your job in that cubicle?

Have you found someone special yet?

Yeah, the guy that wraps my burrito at Chipotle.

Are you still dating that kid?

Are you still on that diet?

What's your major again?

Does it matter? I'm still gonna graduate college anyway.

Have you had any internships? I can definitely talk to this one guy I know from this one company that I met this one time.

...yeah let me know.

How's your love life?

Jesus Christ.

Isn't that dress a little short?

Sorry, I forgot to buy the rest of it.

Do you have a job? I worked through college; it was SO difficult and I still had SO many extracurriculars etc. etc. etc.

Cool story, bro. Tell it again.

Why are you still single? You're so pretty/handsome.

This is called my I-tried-because-my-mom-told-me-to-look-nice face.

Have you gained weight?

Did you seriously just ask me that?

Have you lost weight?

If I did, it's because I literally can't afford a loaf of bread.

You aren't a business major? Don't worry, you'll still find work.

Ask the guy that you know that works at that one place that you met that one time.

I saw the boy/girl on your Instagram/Facebook last week and he/she seems SO nice, why don't you date him/her?

That would be like kissing my sibling.

Why don't we see each other more often?

I could give you a few reasons.

Can you help me figure out this extremely easily fixable thing on my iPhone?

Your flashlight is on.

Do you go out to those fraternity parties a lot? They look intimidating.

Frat guys are the farthest thing from intimidating.

How's your GPA?

*silence*

Wait, did you say you were single?

We're done here.