College is expensive; there’s no way around it. Whether or not you’ve scored that amazing summer job, we could all use some extra cash, whether for our rising tuition or for our bubble tea addictions. And since we’re typical college students, most of us aren’t willing to perform manual labor to earn a living. Luckily, there are a few quick and painless options.
1. Psychology studies
You probably signed up for the paid cognitive science studies pan-list sometime during the early months of freshman year, thinking it would be easy money. You also probably stopped going after your second or third study. As it turns out, $10 an hour to play mindless computer games isn’t a bad deal. Just be wary of studies dealing with emotions; you might get diagnosed with anxiety and depression by well-meaning but objective grad students.
2. Medical trials, clinical drug tests and blood samples
If mind games aren’t your thing, clinical trials might be. These studies often require a special breed of desperation: highly specific demographics and the patience to make it through a six month study. By the time you’re finished, you’ll have some cold hard cash and the ability to withstand needles and injections without even noticing them; after all, you’ll have injected yourself hundreds of times with new hormone concoctions and given dozens of blood samples… if you can get a hold of the researchers. I’ve tried calling their advertised phone numbers and have never spoken to a real person. Nobody knows anyone who’s ever participated in one of these long term studies, but in theory, they sound promising.
3. Egg or sperm donation
Good news for people with sperm! Donating sperm is easy and pain-free, and maybe even pleasurable. Plenty of sperm banks pay for donations, and you can rack up several donations per month, or even per week! Unfortunately, it’s not so easy for people with eggs; the process involves hormone treatment and slightly invasive procedures. On the bright side, eggs are worth more than sperm, and you’ve got plenty to spare. If you’re so inclined, surrogate pregnancy is another valid option for people with vacant wombs. There’s nothing like renting out your uterus for nine months to pay your bills.
4. Plasma donations
You’ve probably donated blood before, at one of our many blood drives with the Red Cross. However, you probably haven’t donated to a plasma clinic. While I haven’t seen any in New Haven, they’re typically found in college towns where students are desperate to make a buck. If you happen to find one, you can earn plenty of money while saving lives! The benefits of donating plasma instead of whole blood? You can donate up to twice a week. That means a paycheck twice a week, for a minimal time commitment.
5. Selling your soul
If all else fails, you can sell your soul here. It turns out our souls are only worth $5, but hey, that’s $5 more than you had this morning, and it’ll cover your daily dose of caffeine. If all else fails, this is a foolproof option that can be done from the comforts of home.
6. Selling kidneys and other organs
You could earn up to $200,000 for a totally invasive and painful procedure that probably isn’t sanitary. Sure, it requires travel to a foreign country where the law enforcement doesn’t check for black market organs, but it practically pays for itself when you’re stitched back up and have the cash in your hand. The only possible downside is infection from the surgery that was probably performed by a man without a medical degree in a dark alleyway, but you’ll be able to afford enough antibiotics to fight any diseases you might pick up during your travels. Alternatively, you could sell a kidney in the United States if you can find a trust-worthy surgeon who won’t resell your kidney without paying you and report you to the police.
