If you had met me eight months ago, you would know I was in the best relationship I'd ever been in. I thought this guy was who I have been waiting for. The one who made the struggles and hurt worth it. This guy got me, showed me my worth, and got me into blink-182 (who I'd never given a proper listen to until I was basically forced to.) But flash forward about three months and everything changed. He left for the Navy and I was left absolutely heartbroken and not coping properly in terms of moving on. I haven't spoken to or heard from him in months, and I guess it's better that way. Unfortunately, everyone I tried to get to know after him broke me into jagged pieces, which my friends helped me put together again, only to see a shell of who I used to be looking back in the mirror every day. How can I be ready to date again when I'm too terrified of getting those pieces broken again?
I don't feel ready. It's my fear holding me back from breaking the barrier and going for it like I used to. Dating sounds daunting and not fun. I don't want to put myself out there for someone who can just hurt and use me for his personal pleasure and then drop me like I never existed. The damage done to me is something I wouldn't wish on people who I highly dislike. A broken heart and broken soul are not something that can get patched up by sugary words and distracting advances.
I don't know why I can't shake things off anymore. I guess my thick skin just can't take it. I see couples together or hear my friends talk about their relationships and while I'm so happy for them, I find it hard to want to go for my own slice of happiness like they have. I just don't feel like I can fully open up to the pain of another rejection. Getting my hopes up really sucks.
I don't want to let anyone in when I can't be fully open about everything, whether it's about past relationships or little things about me that no one really knows except for friends and family. I want to open up but my fear holds me back every time. When I get ready to open up again, something always happens that makes me wish I hadn't. I guess the lack of a positive attitude is what drags me down but how can I stay positive when I just don't feel as happy as I once was?
My man is out there, but until I'm ready he's not going to come around. Maybe he has, but fate hasn't aligned things in such a way as for me to realize who he is. Either way, until I come to terms with the grief of being hurt so many times, I won't be able to date. I want someone I can snuggle with and jam to music with while driving around. I'm just too damn scared to get back out there and do those things right now.
I'm happy among my own company, working on my tan, and shopping to boost my self-confidence. I don't need a man right now, nor do I want one, but it would sure be nice to have one once I'm able.