I was the girl in high school that rarely dated. It probably didn’t help that the dating pool in my town was more like a small puddle but none the less I just wasn’t the relationship type. This could be because my parents had just ended a 20-year marriage thus causing a pretty big chip on my shoulder regarding anything relationship wise.
Sure, I had few summer flings here and there but that was all just harmless good for the soul flirting. I’ve always said that I don’t date to waste time. Meaning, I refuse to date exclusively unless you are down-right marriage material. Oh, how naïve were those teenage years.
And then I graduated high school. Que tall, blonde and handsome.
He was funny and had a way about him that allowed me to be free and let my guard down – something not easily done. He checked all the boxes. I soon found myself driving 10 hours every weekend to spend time with him once I left for college. Eventually, I transferred schools which honestly even now I don’t regret.
At the time, he was worth it. But this isn’t about him. This is about me and what happened after my relationship ended.
1. I started taking care of myself
When your life becomes “our life” you tend to put yourself on the backburner. You’re so concerned with the wellbeing of your partner that you forget to take care of yourself. Very quickly my habits changed to mirror a younger more single version of myself that I once knew.
However, I wasn’t getting up and doing my hair and makeup and picking out an outfit to impress someone. Instead, I did it for me. I began to enjoy getting ready and looking put together rather than it being a chore.
2. I began writing again
One of my teachers once told me I had a gift for writing and that I should never stop.
I’ve never been good at taking other people’s advice.
The last thing that I wrote that was meant for a public audience was my high school graduation speech. That was 2.5 years ago. To say I’m a little rusty would be a laughable understatement but hey I’m working on it and if just one person relates to this then I’ve succeeded.
3. I got off my phone
The hardest thing I found in not being tied to another person is the vastness of silence you feel when you’re alone. It’s overwhelming. Who knew silence could actually be so loud.
I was used to my phone going off for the larger part of the day and incoming Snapchats to be opened. That stopped when my relationship stopped.
As a millennial, I refuse to pay for cable but eventually, you do run out of things to watch on Netflix and Friends playing in the background just gets annoying the third time you’ve restarted the series. Even music, songs get old and if one more country song talks about growing old together I might scream.
When you’re used to speaking to someone every day and that person abruptly disappears it’s an adjustment and a learning curve. I brought my dog back to school with me. That helped.
I highly recommend a K9 best friend who won’t judge you when you have a mental breakdown because you bought too many avocados for one person and surely, they’ll go bad before you can finish them all.
You’re used to shopping for two.
But as they say, time heals all and I began to appreciate the fact that my phone wasn’t constantly interrupting what I was trying to get done for that day’s tasks. I cleaned my entire apartment from top to bottom. I got rid of old clothing taking up space in my closet. I actually got an A on a geology exam.
No really, I did.
I applied to write for Odyssey.
4. I started saying yes
Yep, I’m guilty. I totally did the one thing I always judged other girls for. I stopped hanging out with my friends when my relationship became serious.
I never really made a large group of friends at this new college because I was always with my boyfriend and instead of responding to group texts regarding parties back home I would make plans with him, that mind you I saw every day, anyway.
And just as expected I stopped getting those group texts.
The day after the breakup I found myself in one of my campus dining centers. It was noon which meant it was packed but oddly there was an empty booth - which never happens.
I quickly snagged it before the plethora of APHI girls behind me could. I was there for a few minutes by myself minding my own business before a girl approached me. She asked if she could sit with me.
It took me a second to register what she had asked cause honestly that’s never happened before. You’d think college would have a lot more of those open interactions but really after the second week of Freshman year that goes away. People have their friend groups and they don’t stray beyond.
We quickly began chatting and soon found ourselves late for our next class. Now I’m playing intramural volleyball with her. Since then I’ve made a point of saying yes. I’ve gone out to house parties. I’ve gone to the bars to have a quick drink with friends. I agreed to so many things that just a month ago I would have passed on. I’ve let a lot of opportunities pass me by the last two years and that ends now.
5. I got to know myself again
When you’ve been in a long-term relationship you sort of forget who you are as an individual. It’s especially apparent when the last time you were thought of as just one person you were 18 and now you’re 21.
A LOT happens between those ages. You grow as a person and your perspective on the world is forever changed. Those are some crucial years.
Being single after so long allowed me to get to know a side of myself I hadn’t even met yet. I started to value my own self-worth again. When you’re not focused on loving someone else you can focus that attention on loving yourself.
I love my quirky personality. I love that I’m spontaneous and now I can go on that trip and don’t have to clear it with anyone. I love my resilience. I love that I don’t believe in settling.
Something my mom always taught me was to not settle... well that and to spend more on whatever beauty products go on your face cause it’s worth it and also that you can’t fix stupid. But most importantly – do not settle.
Know your worth. Know that you are a fricken catch and the one who you’re meant to be with is out there but for now just enjoy being you.
No one else can do it better.
