"Forgive and forget."

Of every seemingly pointless mantra we’ve been spoon-fed as children, this one has always been my least favorite. I have spent too much time in my life being the type to say “forgive, but never forget” then applaud myself for breaking barriers. Recently, I have grown to understand forgiveness in a way I hadn’t when I was younger. I blame my original misgivings on this phrase. It’s come to my attention that forgiveness has almost nothing to do with forgetting.

In fact, here are some examples of phrases I know to be more helpful in forgiveness than forgetfulness.

1. Use the incident for growth, not pain.

Every situation can be used for growth. This is a super difficult thing to come to terms with. Especially when your anger is towards the universe and not a specific person. When a person has wronged you, at least you can say you know better than to trust them now. The universe, though, is a way bigger bitch. In this scenario, the lesson isn't learned until you've started to heal. The "lesson" being that now you've been given an example of your own strength. Your threshold for internal pain has been raised one personal tragedy and you survived. So celebrate yourself for that.

2. It's about you, not what you're mad at.

Sometimes the anger is towards a person, other times it's towards the universe, and occasionally it's towards yourself. Either way, until your perspective shifts, the real work can't be done. See, forgiveness is about taking care of yourself; putting the desire to feel good over the desire to feel right. As backward as it sounds, nothing will feel right until you've handled your own business; take a long bath, moisturize, stay hydrated. Take a day to do all the little things you don't find important enough to do most days, like dust your bookshelf or replace the air freshener in your car. Then tomorrow, thank yourself.

Appreciate yourself.

3. Change is not a bad thing.

In fact, change is the only constant. A lot of times the need for forgiveness stems from an inability to accept the difference between the way things are, and the way they used to be. However, growth requires variation. Meaning, change is a necessary factor to being alive. All of life is a transition. So you better stop wishing away the change, because the day you stop growing is the day you die.

4. This is where the love is.

To really love something would be to possess an interest in bringing out all of its potentials and values. Love is the opposite of selfish competition, which seeks progress through the destruction of another being. No matter what internal conflict, you are still one being. You can't prosper through the destruction of yourself. The only thing left is the love. Forget every cheesy fairytale love story. The kind of love you can get constantly, and unconditionally, is only going to come from yourself. This is what makes the next part so easy.

5. Let it go.

This does not mean forgetting. Once you come to terms with your own love, you'd be shocked how easy it is to move on from some things. Letting it go doesn't mean you never think about the incident, but it does mean you've stopped dwelling on it. At the end of the day, you know that you have everything you need within yourself.