Remember relationships in kindergarten? They had fewer layers and less intensity. Any offenses that occurred between friends only seemed to graze the surface of the ego. A pull of the hair, an act of pettiness on the playground -- all flesh wounds. Young children do not have to consider the actions they must take to affirm meaningful relationships in their day to day. Little kids often say the word “sorry” to relieve a conflict, but it’s mostly for practice -- time would likely have been almost as effective as an apology.
However, as we grow up, our personalities and our relationships gain dimensions. The traumatic value of offenses also grows. It seems like our psyche has so many more moving pieces, creating a more fragile balance.
When I think about developing relationships as a 20-something -- from formal work-place relationships to intimate familial and romantic relationships -- I think about all the types of conversations I had to learn to initiate. As an extremely laid-back, independent, introverted, military kid in grade school I watched people transition in and out of my life. It wasn’t until college that I had to protect myself and my relationships by honestly verbalizing aspects of my personality and describing where my boundaries lie. There are three particular conversations that I think cause maturity and build character if handled with care. So if you, like me, are realizing that your current relationships bear significance in this season or even in your life, read on:
1. Apologies
Would you paint a fresh coat on a wall with a big dent in it? Or build a house on a bad foundation? Probably not. When I think about relationships that moved past a certain offense without either of the people addressing the infraction and making amends, I remember that episode of "SpongeBob" when he got a splinter, which when untreated became a huge, disgusting, leaking mess. When he finally removed the tiny splinter, a flood of accumulated light green puss came out. If he waited any longer, he may have had to amputate the finger. The same principle applies to harbored, unforgiven offenses. When problems are addressed, all involved parties can move on and continue to build. When they are dismissed, the issue can blow up and become a huge break down. If it is never addressed, it creates a distance that can result in something very unfortunate for an otherwise quality relationship -- an amputation. People may eventually get cut off. Apologies can be difficult because many people rarely act primarily to cause others pain. If you’re anything like me, you don’t quite know the intricacies of your social contract with other people until you breach them. That being said, you might question whether you owe an apology for unintended hurt inflicted on someone else. The safest answer when it comes to both malicious and accidental infractions is yes, you should apologize. Once you remove ego, you’ll learn the value of apologizing without the use of “you” statements because it’s important to your personal growth to demonstrate to yourself and others that you hold yourself to a high standard of respect and amicability.
2. Boundaries
Everyone’s boundaries are different. We share some common ones, including a low-tolerance toward violence and abuse. However, it’s not always easy to know when you might cross a line with someone when they come from a different family, have been influenced by a different culture or have a different personality type. This is a lesson many people learn in college. After having likely lived in one place for a lifetime, it’s extremely exciting to acquire a diverse group of associates in school. But conflicts arise when people’s norms clash. I know people who are sensitive about the music played in their space, people who are made uneasy by loud noise, people who are uncomfortable with certain types of physical contact, people who need large volumes of alone time, etc.
People with a lot of siblings tend to help themselves and make themselves comfortable in ways that may seem unusually intrusive to people who are used to having their own space. Some people clown their friends as a show of affection and closeness while more sensitive people see this a relentless teasing -- to them it translates as violent language rather than friendly humor. These tendencies don't have to lead to the disposal of a potentially great relationship. Most of the time, certain actions that offend you don’t require you to distance yourself from an otherwise very likable person if you communicate effectively. Communicating boundaries with people can be difficult if you fear people rejecting you and your boundaries. Certain boundaries may even seem strange to others, but your associates never have the chance to accept you for who you are unless you make them aware of what makes you uncomfortable. As long as this conversation is delivered with kindness, setting boundaries can do one of two good things: set a relationship up for unprecedented closeness or weed out people who don’t belong in your personal space.
3. I love yous
Simply put, the people you care about should hear from you how you feel about them. There are so many reasons to share your love verbally, including the fact that life is very short and fleeting. There is a distinctly painful feeling of regret for letting someone leave your life not ever knowing the impact they left on you. If there is someone in your life whose presence is doing you good -- if they are adding to your experience, they deserve to know. Certain messages of love can be hard to deliver because they bring up a fear of rejection. However, you should still press in and let the individual know. Even in the instance of rejection, you gain personally by practicing honesty, compassion and openness.
These three types of conversations are not to be avoided. Though these topics can be uncomfortable sometimes, apologies, boundaries and love are important conversation subjects.
Important note: Now that we’re talking, don’t let talking be all you do. Fill up the quiet time and empty space with actions that reaffirm your love for the people in your life as well.
