Let's be honest here, 2016 has been a rough year in general. If you are ending the year like I am, I'm beyond happy to watch the clock tick down and see this year end. This year has been a huge disappointment for me, and I've been tested to my absolute wit's end. I sit here, only hours left on the countdown clock, reflecting on everything. Last night, I laid awake until three in the morning. My mind was humming through the entirety of the past year.

A lot of big changes happened. I started this year in an existing relationship from 2015. We were honestly inseparable, spending only three nights a week apart- we basically lived together. We did everything together, and everywhere we went we were a package deal, essentially. It was the first time in years that I'd had that kind of relationship. Everything was great, until the summer hit. For the first time, we really were separated most of the week. That's when I changed. I had alone time I hadn't had in months, and it wreaked havoc on my mind. Anyone who has depression understands this. It's always when you are alone that it hits hardest, and it hit me like a damn freight train. In my time, alone with myself, my head became a turbulent sea, the waves crashing into the shores and eroding everything it could touch. Anything I did felt different. Everything I loved felt different. Nothing seemed to break the torrential rain in my head. I couldn't bear to drag someone else through my hell, and I said goodbye to him. Here's what I realized sitting here. I ruined that relationship. It wasn't the depression (not head on, at least). The depression managed to dig out everything else, until it found my core fears. That's what it does, it eats you alive and preys on your deepest fears. I found mine, and it sent me running from myself.

I'm not afraid of being in love.

I'm not afraid of being hurt by love.

I'm terrified of hurting someone else. The thought of holding someone else's heart, and having someone so invested in me, terrified me. I couldn't stand being alone with myself, and I felt like a ticking time bomb. I just wanted to protect anyone that was standing too close. I'm scared of hurting a person that I love due to reasons I can't control. In an effort to save someone pain, I only hurt them more. I pushed everyone away.

As the mid summer hit, I was trying to brush myself off. I was talking to a few different people. By the start of fall semester, I had gone on several dates. And that's when everything else became a train wreck. After 25 years, my parents separated. Yes, I knew it was for the best, but let's be honest: Nothing terrifies someone like seeing the two people who they trust most, learned what love was from, call it quits after 25 years of investment. Things continued to spiral downward, as I had to euthanize the dog I rescued seven years ago. He was my best friend. The same day, not even 20 minutes after saying goodbye to my dog, I had to rush to the horse barn and spent six hours walking my horse, while my vet administered medications, and prayed I didn't have to rush him to the University of Illinois veterinary campus for emergency colic surgery. Thankfully, he turned around. By the end of the day, I collapsed. It's been so long since I'd been that mentally, physically, and emotionally empty. I must have been a walking zombie for the next few weeks. I felt like one. I felt like my entire life was a glass vase perched on the edge of the table, and it could fall and shatter any second.

It was only September, but I was done. My heart had closed completely. I couldn't take anymore hurt. I didn't want anyone to see how entirely hollow I was. I didn't want to burden anyone with it. It's December 31st, and I'm here admitting, that's my worst flaw.

Here's my advice: Don't turn away people who care about you. You may think it's better to shelter everyone around you, but you are only making things worse by keeping everything in.

I always push away anyone who cares about me. I will not continue being that kind of person. I will not continue retreating to my shell every time I get scared or hurt. Hurt happens. Hurt and fear are guaranteed in life. It's not a "2017 resolution", it's a change I need to make.

As the new year approaches, I promise myself to open my heart again.

I'm opening my heart to new adventures.

I'm opening my heart to new knowledge.

I'm opening my heart to new friends.

I'm opening my heart to love, most importantly, loving myself first.

Here's to 2017, the year I open my heart.