With only a few months before primary elections, the remaining 18 major candidates for President are, for the most part, the real deal. Like it or not, one of these men or women will be the next President of the United States. As such, I found it necessary to take it upon myself to personally disrespect each and every one of them by ranking them by physical attractiveness.
18. Lindsey Graham.
More often than not, Lindsey Graham looks like a deflated balloon animal.
17. Donald Trump.
In addition to being obnoxious and rude and racist and having the eloquence of a petulant third grader, Donald Trump looks like The Annoying Orange with a crayon-colored cotton ball on his head.
16. Bernie Sanders.
Bernie Sanders is cute in the same way that Yoda is cute. He is small, fuzzy, and many regard him as wise, and anything he says is immediately quotable. However, his uncanny resemblance to Yoda also lands him in one of the last positions in this list.
15. Mike Huckabee.
His latest book is called "God, Grits, and Gravy," and Mike Huckabee looks like he could stand to cut back a bit on the latter two.
14. George Pataki.
While he is not a completely unfortunate looking man, Pataki's distracting, bulbous nose is simply not forgivable.
13. Jim Gilmore.
I didn't realize we had a large immigrant population of goblins from Harry Potter, but Jim Gilmore's presence enlightened me. Welcome, goblins.
12. Chris Christie.
Weight fluctuations aside, Chris Christie looks and sounds exactly like New Jersey to me. He is abrasive and passionate and looks vaguely like he would smell like oregano and grease.
11. John Kasich.
I honestly don't think I could pick John Kasich out in a room full of aging white men.
10. Rand Paul.
Despite being one of the youngest candidates, Rand Paul is not ranked higher because he perpetually looks just a little bit constipated and his hair looks like uncooked ramen noodles.
9. Ben Carson.
Ben Carson has that distinguished doctor thing going for him.
8. Carly Fiorina.
Carly was probably a babe back in the day and is still a very pretty lady. Points off for bad hair.
7. Jeb Bush.
Though he is not as goofy looking as his brother, POTUS #43, there is something about Jeb! that is sort of disarming.
6. Hillary Clinton.
Hillary looks better than anyone else could after spending this long in the spotlight. Extra points for great hair.
5. Ted Cruz.
Despite kind of looking like Count Chocula, Ted Cruz is not altogether an unattractive man. In fact, he was probably very good looking 20 years ago or so, which is coincidentally when most of these candidates were last truly attractive.
4. Bobby Jindal.
When he doesn't look so angry, Bobby Jindal is actually an impressively good looking man.
3. Rick Santorum.
Despite the faint glimmer of insanity in his eyes, Rick Santorum has the all-American thing with the thick dark hair and straight teeth.
2. Marco Rubio.
If and only if he promised to never speak, I think I could stare into Marco Rubio's chocolatey brown eyes for the rest of my life.
1. Martin O'Malley.
Martin O'Malley is the hot dad whose daughter you befriend in high school strictly so you can stay the night at his house. In addition to his undeniably hot body, O'Malley has a calming voice and hypnotizing eyes that seem to tell you that everything will be okay. And if he wanted to tell me so from the comfort of his toned, tanned arms, I wouldn't complain.
Author's note: This article is meant to be humorous. I mean no personal offense to any candidates, regardless of party. If you want to read more serious political pieces, visit my writer profile here.
