Ever since my dad died, I have been afraid of dying.
I think maybe it was the finality of his death that made me realize that death is an actual, tangible thing. Before my dad died I was aware that death existed, but I never really pondered it. I mean, have you ever sat and truly pondered that death is excruciatingly real? Death is one of the only things that will be the same for everyone.
(Now, I don't say these things to invoke sympathy for myself, I just thought that maybe someone else could relate to these thoughts that I have.)
But, then he did. And that is when I realized death is very real and we cannot escape it. The anxiety I have about dying plagues me, sometimes, for hours at night when I just lay there and think, "But, what if I don't wake up tomorrow?" The anxiety I have surrounding death might be silly to some people, but for me, it is very real.
Each day I wake up and thank God that I did wake up because I realize just how precious time is. My dad died when he was 42 years old. That is such a short time in the grand scheme of things to experience life.
Each night I go to sleep I pray for my family and good health, so I can wake up the next day. I know that each day I wake up, God willed it for me to do so, and for that, I am extremely thankful.
I'm jealous of the people that still have their parents at ages 60 plus. Honestly, it was not fair that I had to experience something so tragic at such a young age, and NO you do not understand if your parent died when you were 50 plus years old. Being 50 and being 17 with a dead parent is quite different. But, is life fair?
Truthfully, it could happen. It can happen to anyone at any time, and I think that is what plagues me the most. Anyone of us could contract a disease, be in a car wreck, or get a terminal diagnosis, and that scares me so badly. These thoughts have interlaced themselves with the thoughts that I have every day, and I know that because of God we shouldn't fear death, but at the end of the day, I am only human.
I can't help what I feel, but I do know that I can try and help premature death-- any of us can. Even if you have anxiety about dying, don't let it get to you all the time every day. No matter what, live life to the fullest because take it from someone who knows-- life is short.
