Being a server isn't always easy. Sure we have some customers who we really appreciate, the ones who never complain, are clean, and leave a 20-percent tip, but they don't come along very often. More times than not, we leave your table mumbling under our breath because it's just been that kind of day and we just can't take any more of this restaurant. If you happen to notice that we zoned out halfway through your order it's because we're probably thinking of one or all of the following things all at once.
1. "I skipped breakfast and lunch, this fry is falling off the plate, if it falls onto the tray I'm definitely going to eat it."
Food is good enough as is, so working around it all day doesn't make things easier. When serving to customers all day long you pray for a mess up in the kitchen just so you can get a free meal.
2. "Is this pizza dough or deodorant on my shirt?"
Don't make the mistake of smelling it. Let's face the facts, if you're going on your fifth shift of the week, there's no time for laundry.
3. "There has to be something in my teeth, these people are looking at me so weirdly."
No, there's nothing in your teeth, even though you have asked every one of your co-workers seven times, your table just thinks you're THAT weird, sorry!
4. "Wow, that was actually a 20% tip!"
Every once in a while that table you were sure was going to leave you nothing leaves you the best tip of the night and it all seems worth it.
5. "Can I actually work this waitressing outfit?"
Yes, stop looking at yourself in the mirror and walk out the door before you are late.
6. "When is the last time I peed?"
Restaurants get crazy sometimes and the last thing you have time for is yourself. You better rethink about a break of any sort during a rush. That pee is going to have to wait for about three more hours.
7. "I think I blacked out during the dinner rush, all I remember is getting ranch dressing multiple times."
As an avid ranch lover myself, I can understand the obsession, however, please ask for it while ordering so it's not a competition between myself and my co-workers as to who can get the last of it out of the bottle.
8. "Keep your change, you need it more than I do."
People who leave the 43 cents change as a tip for their waitress make me cringe, if we're going to do all that work for you and that's all you're going to leave, we would rather have nothing at all.
9. "I have a double tomorrow and if you do not leave in the next five minutes I am giving you to a co-worker and she can take care of you from here."
I get it, you're on vacation, you're having a great time. I, however, am not, and I am miserable and ready to leave. My sanity is more important than your tip at this point and I am ready to go.
10. "This person asked for no ice and I put ice in anyway, hopefully they won't notice."
If you really think I can remember to not put ice in one cup out of the hundreds I've done that night, you're funny. I could try my hardest, but I don't think it would ever be good enough.
11. "Do you let your kids scream like this all the time?"
Please for the sanity of EVERYONE walk outside with your noticeably unhappy child so I don't have a migraine for the rest of my shift.
12. "I know you're going to complain about the way this looks, but I'm going to serve it to you anyway."
It's food, people. I can't control the way an oven cooks the pizza. If you don't like it, don't eat it, but I'm not getting you a new one.
13. "My table has complained so many times I think the kitchen is actually going to kill me."
Sometimes our bosses are scary and if you think I can take back your fully eaten sandwich because you "didn't like it" without getting yelled at myself, you're just as crazy.
14. "Do you realize I'm talking to you?"
There's nothing worse than standing at the end of a table and trying to talk to people who are paying absolutely no attention to you. Stop conversing amongst yourself and pay attention to me!
15. "What did I just stick my hand in?"
There are so many disgusting things in a restaurant, whether it be left on a table or on the floor, there is nothing comforting about the mushy food you just touched. Get me to a sink and some soap!
16. "I should reward myself after this awful shift."
By reward I mean with more food, the go to spot after work is always a popular ice cream spot and the answer is always yes.
17. "Wow, I love these people."
Your co-workers become your best friends, you spend so much time with them you begin to miss them when you have a day off and text them to ask what's going on and how it's going in the restaurant.
18. "Wow, I hate these people."
As said above, you spend so much time with them, you learn basically everything about them and there's only so much of some people you can take. Maybe that day off doesn't sound so bad after all.
19. "Do you think this table can tell I'm about to have a mental breakdown?"
Waitressing gets stressful, you have to be in about three places at once while looking like you have it all together. If it looks like i just cried before I walked up to your table, it's probably because I did.
20. "Will this shift ever be over?"
This thought normally occurs about five minutes after I walk in and realize how unprepared I am to take on the shift ahead of me.
If you have one thought you have them all, being a server has made you question your sanity, and if you will ever get it back. Just remember, at the end of the day you get to take off the outfit and plop into bed and dream about all the money you just (hopefully) made.
