For four years, I went through the ups and downs of what is recovery from anorexia. For the majority of this time, I never saw the light at the end of the tunnel; I was only going through the motions. I never thought I would truly recover.
It wasn't until recently that I found myself not obsessing over everything that went on in my life. Part of me feels weird with this new stillness, but I'd much rather be still than hectic. Here's why I feel I've beat my mental illness:
1. I allow myself to eat whatever and whenever I want.
No longer do I eat when the clock tells me I can, nor do I choose the option with the lowest calories. Ice cream at 11am? Count me in!
2. I like what I see in the mirror.
I still have my days where my body feels off, but I remind myself that this is normal, and my body will not stay the same from day to day. This is called grace.
3. I don't want to, nor care to know how much I weigh.
Yes, I am one of those people who turns around on the scale whenever I go to the doctor's office. I don't care to know my weight because it's not something that is important to me. All I care about is that I am healthy and happy.
4. I have a much better relationship with my family and friends.
It didn't occur to me until recently how much my ED negatively affected my relationships with my family and friends. Now, I actually enjoy being with my family (for the most part!), and I like to go out to do things with my friends.
5. I feel more awake and alive than ever before.
Being a college student, I'm bound to be tired all the time, but I'm not nearly as tired as I was when I was in my ED!
6. I don't have to be a serious, competitive runner anymore.
Honestly, thank goodness for this! I still enjoy running, but now I can give myself the grace to run whatever pace and distance I want.
7. I'm not missing school to go to the doctor.
This was a pain in the booty having to go every week, sometimes multiple times a week!
8. Yes, I've gained weight, but I've also gained LIFE.
Gaining weight was one of the hardest things I've had to do, both mentally and physically. It's also one of the best things I've done because I feel happy on the inside and on the outside.
9. My friends and family are no longer worried about me.
I'll be honest, I told a lot of lies during my ED. I might have told you I was okay, but I wasn't, and I knew you could tell. It's also great to not be looked at as a sad puppy dog!
10. I am okay with the fact that I need medication to live my best life.
For the longest time, I hated the fact that I had to take (a very high dose) of anti-anxiety medication. Now, I realize that it does a similar job as glasses. Glasses help me see, and medication helps me feel better.
11. I don't dread going to therapy anymore.
I'll be honest, therapy has been a very, very rough experience from me. I have been through 6 different psychologists because the majority of them screwed me over (think DUI and breaking professional boundaries.) I've also almost been kicked out of multiple offices because I refused to try. I was probably the most resistant person in the entire world. Then, it all clicked. I actually need to try to get better because there is no magic cure.
12. I accept that perfection is not attainable.
Enough said.
13. I have better hobbies than counting calories.
Now, I love to write, shop, be with friends and family, read, eat chips and salsa, and go to the beach.
14. I don't make myself exercise every.single.day.
I'll sometimes have the same intrusive thought that I need to exercise, but I give myself grace and evaluate why I feel that need, and if it's rational.
15. I'm genuinely happy.
My smile is real, my laugh is lively, and I truly enjoy everything about this wonderful life I was given to live.
If I were given the choice to either keep my messy past or choose a perfect one, I would choose my eating disorder because it taught me so much; happiness, joy, confidence, and that cupcakes taste pretty darn good.
