For most college athletes, workouts happen in a private, athlete-exclusive gym with a professional trainer. But occasionally, there will days when we have to work out on our own, and we have no choice but to go to our least favorite place on campus.
The NARP gym.
What is a NARP, you ask? Well, if you have to ask, you’re probably one of them. NARP stands for Non Athletic Regular Person. Essentially, this is the acronym used (both affectionately and scornfully) by athletes for people who are not competing in a sport of some kind.
For the most part, we athletes can assimilate with NARPs, make friends, intermingle, and go about daily life without talking too much about the difference.
Except for at the gym. At the gym, our differences are just too much to ignore.
If an athlete is working out in a NARP gym, these thoughts will, at some point, fly around in their heads. It’s uncontrollable. Completely involuntary. But also totally valid.
1.WHY ARE THERE SO MANY PEOPLE?!?!
We have set times that we go in to work out with our trainers, and it’s never crowded. We never have to wait on equipment, we never have to maneuver around other people crowding our space, and we never have to worry about any NARPs seeing the heinous faces we make when we lift.
2. Excuse me ma'am, but your leggings, sports bra, and matching tank top cost more than all of my textbooks put together.
Don’t get me wrong; athletes love a good pair of Lulu Lemons. But when it comes to working out, you’re far more likely to find an athlete in a t-shirt dripping with sweat and a pair of running shorts than in designer yoga pants.
3.Why are you wearing so much makeup? How is your makeup staying on? Are you sweating or sparkling?
It’s not that athletes are inept at wearing makeup, we just don’t understand wearing a full face of makeup to the gym.
Wait how does your makeup still match your skin while you’re working out? Doesn’t your face turn different shades of red when you’re at the gym? Is that just me? Am I dying? SOMEBODY GET A TRAINER
4. Isn't your hair in your face? Your hair HAS to be in your face. Do you want a hair tie?
The fanciest we get is putting a French braid on the side of our heads before we yank it all back and put it on top of our heads.
5. Stop arching your back. Keep your knees in. You're going to hurt yourself.
We have workouts all week, and we don’t have the leisure of doing bodyweight lifts. If we do an exercise wrong, it’s a pulled muscle or a strained back. We’re really just doing what’s best for you.
6. Oh God. Do you need a spot? It kind of looks like you need a spot.
Sometimes, it looks like you’re struggling. And we don’t want you to get hurt. We also just watched you waltz into the gym and put 45 pounds on either side of that bar. You won’t be impressing anyone when you fall on your ass with it on your back.
7. No, I don't need a spot.
Please get away from me. And stop staring. It’s rude.
8. Stop talking to me.
First of all, I’m here to get a good workout in. I can’t focus and do that with you talking my ear off about the party I didn’t go to because I had practice.
Second of all, I have my headphones in. Don’t you know that’s the universal signal for don’t talk to me?
9. If you get a little closer to that mirror, you might find the muscles you're so clearly searching for.
MIRRORS ARE FOR CHECKING YOUR FORM DAMN IT.
10. Are you getting anything out of that?
When you’re walking on the treadmill or the elliptical, we’re silently cursing you for taking our machines, getting no type of legitimate workout out of it, and tweeting about being at the gym all at the same time.
If you’re just going to walk, look at your phone, and chat with your friend taking up the machine next to you, go to the mall. Or an amusement park. Literally anywhere else. Just not on the machine I want to actually use.
11. No, take your time. I don't need that squat rack you're using to do bicep curls.
Because we work out so much, we know how to use all the equipment, and we know when you’re using what we want for the wrong exercises. Please stop it.
12. Why are all these free-weights just laying around everywhere? Where are the bands? Can I have a muscle clip instead of this janky metal stress reliever?
We aren’t used to not having top-notch equipment to workout with. Call us snobby
if you want to. We just have high standards.
13. Are you taking a selfie right now? Are you kidding?
I struggle with the walk back to my dorm after a workout because usually people see me and assume I just had to run for my life to escape being murdered. In a sauna.
If you look good enough to post a gym selfie, did you really work out?
14. Are you done already?
You literally just got here. You walked in the same time I did, stretched for ten seconds, and then walked on the treadmill talking to your friend for 15 minutes, pretending to work out.
I still have half a workout to do.
You’re not even sweating.
But at least I can have my machine now.
