When I was seventeen, I came dangerously close to killing myself. I wrote my mother a letter, my last cry for help, in which I told her that I was worthless, that everyone would be happier if I was gone. Then I folded it, put it on her pillow, and went to sleep. At that point in my life, I wanted to die more than I wanted anything. In death, I saw relief from the depression, anxiety, and self-hatred that plagued me every day.
Thankfully, my story has a happy ending. My mother found the note. She helped me find an amazing therapist and the bravery I needed to try medication. It is frightening to share my story, but I know now that I have to.
A boy I used to know recently committed suicide and it shook me to the core. I always say (primarily on social media) that if you are dealing with depression and need help, I will be there. This will always be true. But after that boy committed suicide, I came to the realization that in times of great hopelessness, a person with depression is highly unlikely to call upon a stranger who posted on Instagram, no matter how kind and loving and truthful that Instagram post may be. There has got to be more the world can do, as individuals and as a society, to help those who deal with depression.
These words, for now, are my ‘more,’ and this is the most honest thing I can say: depression is a liar. It wraps itself around your brain and chokes it of all light. It never stops whispering evil things in your ear. It tells you that you are worthless, ugly, stupid, weak, a burden on those who love you. I know this from personal experience. And I know, with all confidence, that it’s a lie.
It will probably be hard to listen to the Emily of today, the one who sits behind her keyboard, healthy and happy. When I was caught in the middle of my depression, unable to imagine a life without it, I would never have listened to her. So listen to the Emily of three years ago, the one who, just like you, was depressed; the one who I know, now, would agree with me. And listen to your own future self: the happy, healthy, at-peace self who is counting on you to be strong, to have hope. Your future is waiting for you.
This isn’t a battle you need to fight alone. In fact, you can’t fight it alone. But despite the lies your depression tells you, there are medicines and therapists to help. There are plenty of people who love you, who love you deeply and want to walk with you to the other side. Depression is a liar, and a damn good one. But you don’t need to listen.
