It took me a while to get to that point. I struggled daily with severe anxiety. I could barely eat. I could rarely sleep. On the outside, I was happy. On the inside, I was anxious and absolutely terrified, of nothing and everything. There was no logical explanation for why I felt like that. It's just my mind, trying to destroy me- thought by thought. My mind was full of scattered racing thoughts. My body was so heavy with the burden of this illness. I felt as if I couldn't physically lift myself out of bed- I was so tired, deep into every fiber of my being. I was paralyzed by sadness-a sadness so deep and dark that I could see no escape. It felt as if I was left alone at the bottom of a deep dark hole, with no way out. It felt as if I was sinking in quicksand. The harder I tried fight, the lower I sank. I've tried to fight it, I've tried to "shake it off" but I can't. My mind is racing, I can't keep up. My heart hurts. My body is so heavy. My soul is so tired. I can't go on like this. I am a burden to my family. Why would my family want to take care of someone with a mental illness? I'll never get better. Treatment will cost so much. People die, and people get over it. Everyone will be okay when I'm gone. I'm doing it for them. Their lives will be better without me and my depression. But, none of that is true.

Those are the thoughts and feelings that flooded through me leading up to the night I attempted suicide. That night, I wasn't scared. I was completely calm. I was at peace with my decision to take myself out of this world. I felt almost nothing. I cleaned my room. I wrote letters to each member of my family and some friends. I had researched different medications and their interactions, so I knew how many of what to take. I knew these pills would make me pass, hopefully gently. Pill after pill, I thought nothing. My mind was blank. I felt nothing. I knew I was doing what was best for my friends, family, and myself. After taking the last pill, I curled under my blankets and waited to fall asleep and not wake up.

But it didn't work. I woke up. I woke up in tremendous pain ravaging my entire body. My parents told me to get up for school. But I couldn't speak or walk. I felt sick. Everything was spinning. I couldn't walk without falling. Everything was blurry. I was so weak. My body was so stiff. All I hear is my dad say "her eyes, her eyes, her eyes are full of blood.." my mom, grabbing my shoulders and shaking me, screaming: "WHAT DID YOU DO SHELBY?! WHAT DID YOU DO??!" But I couldn't answer.

They drove me to the hospital, with my little siblings next to me. I don't remember getting into the car. I remember slumping over and occasionally hitting my head against the window because I couldn't stay awake.

Next thing I know I'm laying in a bed hooked up to all kinds of monitors, surrounded by nurses and the doctor. Every muscle in my entire body was so sore and stiff, I could barely move at all. I hear my parents whispering about life flight. I realized that I am in bad enough shape to need airlifted to a bigger hospital. Then our small town doctor realized he could help me. He took care of me. He warned me I did permanent damage to my kidneys. They helped me walk again and loosen my stiff muscles. Then they sent me somewhere to get the help I needed. I will always remember the doctor sitting beside me, taking a deep breath and telling me "We almost lost you."

My mind, heart and soul were in unimaginable pain. Pain severe enough for me to think ending my life was my only escape.

But ending my pain would've only brought pain to the people I loved. Just my attempt caused my family to live in fear. My siblings will always have that memory. I hurt them. You don't hurt people you love. They need you, they love you. I had no idea how many people cared about me. Chances are, there are so many more people that care about you than you can even imagine. Don't put them through the horror of grieving your loss.

I thank God every day for waking me up that morning. Afterwards, I spent a couple of weeks getting help. I got better. I felt better. I got to go to prom, I went to concerts, I traveled, I went on senior trip with the kids I've grown up with, I was able to graduate high school with my best friends, I got to meet my friends' babies and so much more. I experienced love & heartbreak. I've had ups and downs.

As I'm writing this, I'm watching my beautiful little blue-eyed baby girl sleep peacefully in her little nightgown. I'm studying her as she smiles in her sleep and cuddles her blanket. Life is beautiful. It WILL get better. You WILL feel better. There's so much left to see and experience- make sure you're around for it.

I was meant to be here. So are you.

If you or someone you know is struggling with anxiety, depression, suicidal thoughts, etc: get help. Talk to a friend, parent, teacher, anyone you trust- or call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1 (800) 273-8255.