1. "The Sunshine State" is the biggest lie that you've ever been told in your life.
People who have never been to our beloved state think of palm trees, white sandy beaches, and endless sunshine. Wrong. Last August it actually rained for 31 days straight. Whoever named Florida the Sunshine State clearly never stepped foot on our home turf.
2. You're from a town that no one has ever heard of so you just say you’re from the closest big city.
My town is so small that it consists of a total of five streets. Even people who live in the next town over don't know my town exists. It looks absolutely nothing like the above picture, but you get the point. When people ask, I just say I'm from Tampa, and everyone else does the same thing.
3. Don’t even bother doing your hair.
Be prepared to walk out of your house and your hair frizz up so much that you look like you walked out of a fashion magazine from the 80's. Not only does the humidity ruin those perfect curls you created in the morning, but the heat is so unbearable that having your hair drape down your back adds an extra ten degrees to your body temperature. When it is 98 degrees in July, that is the very last thing anyone needs.
4. Publix is the best grocery store ever created. Hands down.
If you have not tried Publix subs or Publix cookies, you have not lived! And who didn't love the free cookies you got as kid or the employees that bag your groceries for you? I went to a grocery store in Texas once and I honestly did not know what to do when I had to bag my own groceries because Publix spoils us.
5. You better be on your guard while you’re driving.
If you are driving in Florida, the person on your right is texting, the person on your left is so old that there is no possible way their vision is still working. The person behind you is stuffing their face with a McDouble in one hand and a McChicken in the other. The person in front of you has been swerving in and out of their lane for the last three miles. Your're putting your life in danger no matter where you go.
6. There are old people everywhere you turn.
Florida is where people come to die. It is flooded with old people who do not care at all because they know they are on their final stretch. My favorite part of the year is the winter when all of the Canadians fly down to avoid their dreadful winter. It's like the older population multiplies by three and then they all feed off of each others oldness...
7. Don’t go swimming in any random body of water.
If you're from Florida, you have come to accept that there is an alligator in literally every body of water in the state. Even in that tiny little conventional pond in your back yard. Don't forget about that dinosaur-looking-gator found roaming a golf course Florida a few weeks ago. That thing would swallow me and the golf cart whole.
8. There are no reliable sports teams to support.
Okay, so the Tampa Bay Lightning has made us proud the last two years, and Lebron James used to give Miami a good rep. Other than that, your best option is to just pick any other team if you want to win that bet you and your friends put on the game. Florida is definitely not known for its sports teams...
9. You want to go outside during summer? Try again in three months.
Florida heat is like nothing I have ever experienced. Even just walking out to the mailbox will leave you soaked in a lovely layer of sweat. When June reaches 101 degrees the first week you know not to even bother leaving the house for the next three months.
10. There are maybe eight-and-a-half days a year you can wear a jacket comfortably.
In all reality those eight days will reach maybe 45 degrees at the lowest. Let's not get crazy. Florida skips winter every year which is perfect if you're not a snow fan! While our northerners are building snowmen and salting their cars every January, we are building sand castles and salting our margaritas on the beach.
11. Everything weird happens here.
Remember the guy that ate another mans face off because he was on bath salts? Florida. A man beat his girlfriend with a banana. Guess where! Florida. A shoe was found with a foot attached to it on a beach in Jupiter, Florida. Take a wild guess where a man bit his neighbor's ear off over a cigarette. You got it, Florida.
