I’m living with an anxiety disorder. My father has one as well and I can see why my friends and family get terrified and struggle when they see an episode. Some of my friends have learned how to handle it and what to do to guide me through it; but some of them haven’t quite figured it out yet – and I don’t blame them. I know I’m not alone in going through these attacks, which means my friends aren’t alone in wondering how to handle it.

1. Know the difference.

Remember: there’s a difference between anxiety and panic attacks. An anxiety attack is caused by a trigger while panic attacks usually aren’t provoked and is unpredictable.

2. It’s hard to comfort someone when you don’t understand what’s wrong.

It’s a lot harder to watch someone in pain when you have no idea what is happening. Sometimes it happens so fast that there is no way to detect it before it starts. Your best friend can go from laughter and smiles to pacing and crying in five seconds flat. It’s okay that you don’t understand.

3. Seeing an episode can be terrifying.

It’s awful to see someone you care about in so much pain. It’s confusing and it can be really scary. Try to stay calm and remember that they are scared too. You’re loved one could be worrying about everything under the sun or hyper-focusing on one thing that makes it seem like the whole world is crashing around them. They could even be remembering a bad moment that happened years ago. Even after the panic passes, they are most likely going to be embarrassed. This experience is not fun for anyone involved.

4. They are not always in control.

Your loved one can’t always catch themselves before they start getting scared and over-anxious. A couple of years ago, I had an episode and my boyfriend had no idea how to handle it. I was pacing and talking to myself (which is very common for me when I have an attack) and he pushed me against the wall in the hallway in an attempt to bring me back to reality. In the moment, I was confined to my fears in my head and I couldn’t handle being physically confined too. I punched him in the face. After the panic passed, I barely even remembered doing it. This started a huge fight. It is not easy to control yourself when you’ve already lost your control of your feelings.

5. You never know what might trigger someone.

Triggers can come from anywhere. It could be a sentence in passing, losing an earring, or anything in between. Sometimes your loved one will calm themselves down and not even remember what set them off. You don’t have to walk on eggshells whenever you’re with them, just listen. Something that seems completely meaningless to you could be a huge trigger for them, and that’s not your fault; you didn’t know. But if they ask you not to say or do something, try to remember it. Stopping yourself is a sign of effort, and that’s all anyone could ask for.

6. There is no “right way” to calm someone down from an episode.

As said before, they will be just as scared as you are and they aren’t always in control. The best way to help is to talk about it. Some of my friends know to keep an eye on me and let me ride it out, some try to lead me to a private area where we can talk it out and get to the root of the problem. They know through experiences with me and talking after an episode. It all depends on the person; you and your loved one. Some people can’t deal with an attack, and that’s alright.

7. It’s tough to watch someone do it alone.

No one wants to pull you into their dark mind. Their demons aren’t yours to deal with and, believe me; they don’t want you to see that side of them. And it hurts to know that they are struggling down the hall when they told you to go. They aren’t trying to push you away; sometimes they need to deal with it on their own. It’s nothing personal.

8. Sometimes you can’t help.

Just like there is no one way to calm someone down, sometimes there isn’t a way at all. Some episodes have to just be ridden out. It doesn’t mean you need to leave (unless they ask), just make sure you don’t try to pull them back into reality. You’re there for them, and sometimes that’s all you can do.

9. No one knows exactly what they’re going through.

Being understanding doesn’t mean you have to understand. Every person is different. Every episode is different. It’s perfectly fine that you don’t understand. You don’t have to. Experiencing a disorder is the only way to truly understand their situation, so it’s alright that you can’t fathom how they feel this way. Support is important.

10. It can happen at any time.

This goes along with triggers. An anxiety attack can come from something small and seemingly insignificant. Panic attacks are so unpredictable that someone can start having one in the blink of an eye. I find a lot of people try to tell someone going through an attack to take a step back and a deep breath. Take your own advice.

11. The only person who can save them is themselves.

Seeing someone you love struggling within their own mind is horrible. It’s hard to watch and sometimes there is nothing you can do. Having a support system is comforting and it helps, but it can’t cure a mental illness.