I’m staring at my phone thinking about who I could call and vent to. In the midst of violent sobs a terrible realization hits me – I can only think of my mom. Praise Jesus that I have parents who would drop anything in a second to listen to me cry on the phone from halfway across the United States. But…is that it? Is there only one human who cares if I’m in pain? A panic arises within me and my thoughts taunt me about how I have no friends, no support system, and I’m completely alone in this overwhelming big world. I bury my face in the pillow, dial my mom’s number, and beg her to tell me I’m not alone.
We all have our dark places. Full of secrets, our worst fears, and thoughts only our sub-conscious dares to admit. Where do you go when everything seems to be going wrong? Where does your mind retreat to? How do you force the sun to rise there?
My dark place is an abyss. I am constantly hurdling harmful thoughts into my brain, and they dissolve into my stream of consciousness. Suddenly I’m overwhelmed by my negativity. I have no hope, no purpose, and no motivation to step forward. I truly am standing and basking in my own darkness, and it is purely miserable.
I am aware that this is entirely of my own doing. While I don’t negate the power of depression, that story is for a different time and a different purpose. This season of life I have been dawdling in has been completely made of my own construction {and destruction.} I’ve waddled in self-pity, cried endless nights of tears screaming into an empty apartment, and looked myself in the mirror and saw someone I didn’t want to know anymore.
Have you been there before? If you say no, I don’t believe you. Can you tell me I’m not alone?
Your dark place may look different than mine, but part of the human soul is shadowed by our intense desire to belong in this world, and a strange sense that we never will.
I’m here to remind you that you don’t have to stay in that place.
I have a lot of things going for me as a 24-year-old white, college graduate. From supportive family and friends to a full-ride scholarship to pursue my master’s degree, it seems like I would have nothing to complain about. So why have I felt so insignificant?
I rarely take the time in my day to be thankful- for the little things, for the big things, for every moment in-between. I never take a conscious breath and look at my surroundings with a grateful heart. I am constantly living my life in a self-absorbed bubble, stressing about tomorrow and what the future holds. How can this be good for me? I’m feeding my soul nothing but lies, fear, and anxiety. It’s time to practice a little self-love! My soul deserves a little reminder that I am more than a body taking up space on this precious earth. I am here for a purpose, my story matters, every day there is something to be grateful for, and I am never truly alone. Did you hear me?
You are here for a purpose.
Your story matters.
Every day there is something to be grateful for.
You are never truly alone.
Today, I’m starting a new project. I need an attitude adjustment, and I want a physical reminder to keep my heart in check. I bought a Polaroid camera, and with its help I’m beginning my 100 days of gratitude. Every day I am going to take a snapshot of something I have to be thankful for. If I can’t capture a picture that day, I’m going to write a notecard of gratefulness. I’m going to create a photograph wall of this journey so that I am constantly reminded of my daily joys. Stay tuned in 100 days as I’m sure I’ll have plenty to say then! In the meantime – how are you maintaining a grateful heart?
