F.R.I.E.N.D.S. was a hit television show for a solid ten years back in the 90's and early 2000's. For Millennials, we were either very small when it started, or around the same age as Ben, Ross's son in the show. I was born two years after the show originally aired in 94. I grew up with it in the house, but not as regularly as I've heard some of my friends did. I came across F.R.I.E.N.D.S. via the internet -- and Netflix.
I'd always heard about it, but figured it was too outdated to really matter to me anymore. I was very, very wrong. F.R.I.E.N.D.S. was a landmark show for many reasons -- it pushed the envelope for what was considered 'okay' to be on television twenty odd years ago; things such as interracial dating, homosexual undertones and transgender issues, and the idea of not having your life together by your late twenties. From what my parents tell me, they had everything together and planned by twenty. That's almost unheard of today. That's where I'll start my discussion.
1. It's okay to still be figuring your life out well into your thirties.
One of the main things that F.R.I.E.N.D.S. focuses on is the idea that these characters either have a set plan for their life, a plan that falls through, or no plan at all. In high school, we're taught that you need to have a plan before you even think of passing ninth grade. In the ninth grade, I was writing resumes and college applications because I was being graded on doing so. I had no idea what I wanted to do. I changed my plans three times before I was a senior. It wasn't until late in my senior career that I figured out my plan. And for a lot of my friends, that was still really early.
Some of my friends don't have plans yet -- and that's okay! F.R.I.E.N.D.S. helped showcase that not everyone is going to have the same plans or the same work ethic as you. Ross pursued a college career and a profession immediately. Joey went for the acting route with absolutely no schooling. The show did a fantastic job of showing both of them being successful at what they did, regardless of their education or how much they 'planned' out their life. Monica is known for having to plan everything out, and quite often, her plans fall through. But, things work out and she's happier for it. Rachel never has a solid plan and sometimes that's for the best. Phoebe couldn't be harder to tack down, but her life is never in a rut because of it.
All of the characters within F.R.I.E.N.D.S. did not get married until their mid-30s, nor did they have children or a steady life. The pressure for Millennials to have their lives figured out right this moment is very high, and more and more of us are choosing to wait and go at our own paces, just as F.R.I.E.N.D.S. showcased. It also teaches you that you have all of the chances in the world to stop what you're doing and start over. Rachel and Chandler both show this in their thirties, taking new career paths despite the challenges. No one is locking you into anything. It's your life!
2. You don't have to be a shoe just because your parents want you to be one.
I've personally grown up being told that 'you'll thank me for being right when you're older.' I'm sure this is true for many things. However, there are some things I certainly don't believe that to be the case for. F.R.I.E.N.D.S. shows many different issues revolving around problems with the cast's parents. Chandler's parents divorced, Monica's parents favored Ross, Rachel's father cast her out when she didn't meet his standards, and Phoebe's mother committed suicide after a string of bad parenting choices.
Joey seems to be the only one who had a decent family in the regards of issues later on. One example that stands out to me was with Mike Hannigan (Phoebe's Husband). When introducing Phoebe to his parents, she has trouble trying to be who they want her to be instead of the odd woman she is. Mike tells her to act like herself, which in turn causes his parents to hate her. She doesn't fit the mold of the woman they believe he should have. Mike decides for himself that he doesn't care what they think.
Rachel comes from a very spoiled background, with sisters who are even more spoiled than she is. She's the one who decides to go after her dream instead of becoming a housewife as her parents might have wanted her to be, and eventually gains her father's respect. I won't talk much about Chandler's parents, as they way they are portrayed in the show is frankly quite offensive twenty years down the line.
Their divorce and bickering deeply wounded him. All of the parents in the show express their desire to want the best in life for their children. I truly believe that's what parents want. Sometimes, you have to make choices for yourself and look past your parent's mistakes. In the end, there is very little your parents wouldn't do for you.
And remember! Sometimes, your friends are better family than your real family ever could be.
3. Money will not always make you happy.
Something I personally noticed throughout the entire course of F.R.I.E.N.D.S. is the fact that Ross, while easily the richest character due to his steady career, is generally the most depressed. Joey, on the other hand, has a career that pays by how often he gets hired, and that's not very often. Despite that, he's easily the happiest. Nothing bothers him when it comes to cash. He's even willing to loan his friends money, despite his lack there of. The only time we truly see him upset is when Rachel plans on leaving for Paris, and his friends plan on starting their own, truly adult, stable lives. Money did not make him happy, but his friends did.
4. Being a "Grown Up" isn't the goal of life.
Increasingly with my generation, there's a focus on the idea that moving out and getting married and becoming stable is the goal from the start. I've never quite understood that. I think dreams are the goal. That's something that F.R.I.E.N.D.S. really focuses on. None of these characters are people that our parents would call adults. They play with toys, sleep with stuffed animals, and watch their naked neighbor instead of doing their taxes or watching the nightly news.
What's wrong with that? Why is there such a push to act older than you are? Who said 28 is old? If you want to make a pillow fort, do it. If you want to do your taxes, (which, please, do your taxes!) do it! Have a glass of wine at 8. Age is a number and your life is short.
5. No one can make you feel inferior unless you let them.
Our society has always had an ideal. You're thin and tall and beautiful, or you're just... Not. F.R.I.E.N.D.S. made an effort to get rid of those ideas. I've heard that you only stay friends with people you deem to be on the same 'level of attractiveness' with yourself to keep you from feeling insufficient or sub-par. The characters in this show ranged from 'actor pretty' to 'geeky nerd' and 'homeless girl.' It was their personalities that kept them together. Joey also shows a very strong body-image; my favorite line of his is, "I'm curvy, and I like it!"
That's not the only ideal that was bashed. Rachel and Ross become parents and we get to see some of their parent choices. They aren't the 'best' parents, but who makes that bar? That's very important - that no one knows how to be the best parents. It's a learning curve. Millennials, while certainly less focused on children then our parents, tend to have a general fear that we won't be good parents. Our parents call us too spoiled or too liberal to be good parents. No one can set that bar for us. The same goes for 'perfection' overall. There is no bar to meet!
6. No one is more important than yourself.
One of the biggest gripes I have with F.R.I.E.N.D.S. comes from the show's finale. Rachel is faced with the dilemma of either going to Paris to pursue her dream career, or staying New York to be with Ross, despite him not telling her he loves her until she's boarding her plane. As romantic and touching as it is, It was the worst mistake she could have made for herself. The same situation happens in Boy Meets World when Topanga gives up her dream college to stay near Cory. Girls have been taught for years to put their relationship first. However, Millennials are starting to learn that this isn't the choice to make. We're learning, collectively, to put ourselves first.
You might be saying that it was best for her to stay with him because of their child. I'll remind you that Ross showed a record of not putting Rachel first; he cheated on her, stole away her chances of moving on, and otherwise kept his real feelings from her until it was most convenient for him. Don't get me wrong! I adore Ross. But, in Rachel's case, she fell back into the trap that started the show. She had previous grown to be a woman who did not bow down to anyone. She put herself first and made her own decisions.
By staying with Ross, she gave up the chance to enrich her life and go to her dream career. Frankly, he did not deserve her. Girls today do this constantly. If their partner can keep them hanging on by a thread, many will stay. It's about time we learned to put ourselves first. If you're not doing what's best for you, don't do it. No one else's happiness should be put before your own at our age. We haven't even figured out who we are!
7. Everything is unisex.
My absolute favorite character in this show is Chandler Bing. Why? He's someone I really identify with. Mainly, his stance on gender roles. He tends to blame his feminine side on his father being homosexual, but it's very obvious that that is a cover. Men aren't 'supposed' to act like girls. Chandler was originally supposed to be written as bisexual. (Don't believe me? Look it up!) Instead of keeping this for obvious reasons back in the day, they just kept him as very metrosexual -- meaning that he tended to show more feminine qualities. He liked bubble baths and decorating and cuddling.
When he's finally able to cry, he talks about how good it feels. That's something my generation needs to learn - it's okay to step outside of society's box for what your gender is supposed to do to define you. Makeup and clothes and actions don't have a gender. If you're comfortable, do it. Chandler came to terms with this eventually, just making casual, sarcastic comments to deflect his behavior. I wish that he'd truly been allowed to act however he wanted, but again, this show was made when things like that would have severely dropped the views.
8. You don't HAVE to find your lobster.
You're going to be figuring out who you are WITH someone instead of who you are. I'm not sure what spurs on this fear of being alone for my generation, considering how attentive our parents were in comparison to the previous generations, but it's there. Attachment issues and codependency galore! Find friends - you're going to need them! Find enemies - they'll help you grow!Eventually, find your soulmate. Or not! No one says you have to get married to be happy. No one says you cannot live a long and happy life without a love interest to 'fill' it. Never, ever let it be the center of your world and let it keep you up at night.
9. Get rid of the compulsive need for people to like you.
As I sit here writing this, I know that there are going to be people who completely disagree with every point I've made. If there's one person in F.R.I.E.N.D.S. that taught me to not care at all about what other people think, It's Phoebe. She doesn't care if anyone agrees with her truths. As long as she does, it doesn't matter. Ross is the one that tends to act in a manner of 'I'm right, you're wrong.' If you argue with him, it's going to be a debate for an hour.
Phoebe might just brush it off. I think there's a middle ground to be had. Never, ever back down when it's important to you. But, know when you're wrong. Know that some opinions should be listened to, and some should be completely disregarded. At the end of the day, it's your life and your choices. You can't let someone else's opinion of them stop you from living.
10. Even running to Yemen won't help you avoid a problem.
Running away from your problems is the #1 way to never solve them. For some, facing a confrontation or a problem in general head on is worse than death itself. I understand! I certainly can't stay up to a friend or enemy very well. But, I do know that avoiding it all together does nothing but make it so much worse in the long run, especially if you're having to lie along the way. All it takes is 30 seconds of insane courage -- to quote We Bought a Zoo.
If there's anything to learn from Janice showing up in season 10, it's that your problems won't go away if you never deal with them. Our generation is bad about brushing things off and never taking a stand, afraid to hurt someone's feelings more than standing up for themselves. I'm guilty of this for sure, and It's something I strive to work on. Don't be like Chandler - do what you need to do, and be done with it. You're not burning off any calories by running from your problems!
There is so much more to learn from F.R.I.E.N.D.S., but I can't write forever! Whether it's a direct lesson or something to be learned by doing it differently, it's worth the time to find meaning in every episode. Whether you're a Joey or a Monica, the lessons are all the same. Be yourself, don't let anyone give you a bar, and love your friends the most. We still have a lot of growing up to do -- but that doesn't mean we can't have a really cool dollhouse
