Depression - de·pres·sion
dəˈpreSH(ə)n/ noun 1. feelings of severe despondency and dejection.
Anxiety - anx·i·e·ty
aNGˈzīədē/ noun 1. a feeling of worry, nervousness, or unease, typically about an imminent event or something with an uncertain outcome.
Something I have dealt with for years now is my depression and my anxiety. And it's also something my friends and family have to deal with. When I was first diagnosed with my depression, anxiety came later. I kind of half expected it, but was still upset and the official-ness of it. Growing up, I was basically doomed to have something wrong with me because of family history, and I had always swore to myself I wouldn't be that. I would beat having something wrong with me and not live up to what my family told me all those years. Unfortunately, back in 2012, I sat in my counselors office as she doodled on her notepad and forms, and she looked up through her glasses and said "we're diagnosing you with (insert fancy name for depression here.)" I kind of knew deep down what it meant. but I decided to ask "what's that mean?" just to be sure. "It's a form of depression.." and then went on to explain what it was while my mom held my hand. I remember crying to my mom at some point how I didn't want to be this way and she just telling me that they were helping me get better. When my friends found out, they knew something was wrong because of how I'd been acting. It explained why I couldn't get out of bed somedays, why I would just cry out of the blue or why I just needed most times by myself.
Other people weren't so understanding, which is fine. "You're sad over nothing, Katie," they would tell me. Or ask me why I was crying when there was nothing to be crying over. The truth of it is, sometimes there might really not be anything in the moment that has happened, but it doesn't mean I'm not still sad. Sometimes I will convince myself that I am alone, without even meaning to. I'll feel awful that my friends and family have to deal with me like this because God do I know that it's tough to deal with. And sometimes that's all it take. But if something does happen, I feel it 10x more. It's just how my brain works and I can't control it. But telling someone with depression that they have nothing to be sad over, doesn't help in any way shape or form.
When I got to college, I was diagnosed with anxiety the summer before I moved in. Dealing with both of them is so extreme sometimes it's hard to breathe. My friends have been dealing with it so well, but I know it's hard for them to deal with. I've been having panic attacks a lot, where I can't seem to get the air back in my lungs, or stop the tears from falling or my hands to stop shaking. It's terrifying. In that moment when you think nothing will be okay, and what will happen if you can't get anymore air in. It can happen over nothing sometimes, if I just instantly feel overwhelmed or dealing with something hard. Or if I'm put in a situation that makes me feel uneasy. And I can't control it.
One time I was having a panic attack in the bathroom before Chem, and a lady crawled under the stall door and held my hand until I was okay again. I will never forget or be able to thank her for the random act of kindness she did for me that day. One of my sorority sisters literally walked out of her class to talk to me on the phone to make sure I would be okay because she deals with the same thing.
When someone is diagnosed with things like that, they're not sad over nothing or freaking out for no reason. We literally cannot help how our brains work and how we feel in that moment. So before you say those words to someone, think about what they go through on a daily basis and how it could make them feel. I know for me personally, I already feel bad enough making friends and family deal with this, and hearing those words don't make me feel any better.
To those dealing with what I am, you're not alone and you never will be xo
