The National Eating Disorders Association hosts a nationwide "National Eating Disorder Awareness Week" every year. Today is February 22, 2016, and this year's awareness week started yesterday. I want to get involved in a personal way. So listen up.
I started struggling with an eating disorder, low self-esteem, body image issues and anxiety when I was 15-years-old. An eating disorder is not something that is easy for me, or anyone struggling, to talk about. How can I accurately explain what its like to be so in my own head worrying about everything I eat and every calorie I try to burn off in a way that a friend who isn't in my position can understand?
Having an eating disorder is something like being scared of your own body and of the food you put into it. I live in fear of everything I eat making me fat, causing me to gain weight, and ruining this thin body everyone else sees in me. Having an eating disorder is being so inside of my own head worried about "do I deserve to eat today? I really blew it yesterday and did not work out." That is the type of thoughts I have when I wake up and think about breakfast.
Going out to eat with friends can already be a challenge for someone who struggles with somewhat severe anxiety. But to go out to eat with friends has the potential to be even more harmful. I struggle with the battle of saying "Oh, I'm not that hungry. But I'll come hang out anyways." I have a choice to make every single time. I can eat what I want and feel good about it OR deal with the guilt later. I can order something to eat. My final option is one I have grown all too used to: I can eat but then go force myself to throw up in the restaurant's restroom.
Over the years, my struggle with an intense fear of gaining weight and seeing myself as fat versus accepting what my body is really for has had its ups and downs. There have been weeks at a time that I made myself puke after every meal I ate. I have not eaten at all on certain days. Then there are grace periods where I handle it all better and eat well/try to exercise in a healthy way. But the thoughts never go away.
In light of it being National Eating Disorder Awareness Week, I want to end by saying a few final words of advice if any of you know what this struggle is like.
An eating disorder is a mental illness, there are ways to get help. Here is a great resource to find local help. You are not your eating disorder. Eating one meal that you consider "bad" or "unhealthy" will not ruin your figure or immediately make you gain 5 pounds. Your mind will lie to you. You are worthy of so much more than what your eating disorder will tell you. I repeat, you are NOT your eating disorder.
I encourage you all to check out NEDA's site and get involved. Educate yourselves.
