I actually did it – I completed a New Year’s resolution. Let me explain: I began this year with a resolution, which was funny in itself because resolutions are practically made to be broken. It was also funny because those who know me know I say one thing, and do the opposite. But here I am, twelve months later, looking back in shock and awe that I completed a goal, and I’m happier because of it.
In January I decided to work on myself, both physically and mentally. This resolution was rather vague, however, so I decided to do so through physical fitness. I told myself that I would begin doing workouts five to six times a week like I did earlier in my life. Ironically, I started the year off with a horrible flu, and for some reason decided to start doing three mile runs on the treadmill just because I knew that after a week I would never pick up the resolution again.
A few weeks into the year, working out became a habit – an addiction, really. I was lifting weights for the first time in my life, and was rather impressed by my strength – for the most part. Exercising became my coping mechanism for my anxiety. The endorphins released during my runs (yes, the treadmill runs) and lifts gave me the energy to go out and have fun for the first time in two years. The last two years of mentally breaking myself were coming to an end, and that in itself fed the addiction.
Skip ahead to March, where I joined my college track team. It’s important to note here that I hadn’t run track since my freshman year of high school, and that all of my runs were completed on the rocky, shocky treadmill my parents bought in the nineties (it shocks you when you touch the buttons). I will admit it wasn’t easy, and I truly wasn’t any good, at least not at first. However, it led me to many of my current friends, and showed me the passion that would soon open up for running.
Later in the year, as the warm bikini weather started approaching, I wanted to take this fitness journey one step farther. I made it to the point where I was in the best shape of my life, but it started to take a toll on me mentally once I realized I wanted to see physical changes, too. My diet was the only thing to blame. I ate chicken fingers, French fries and all unhealthy foods at least three times a week. My only healthy meals seemed to be my mother’s homemade dinners. I grew up with a horrible diet, and it seemed like it was time to end my bad habits. So I did.
Changing my diet took a little while. Quite frankly, after twenty years of living off of fried chicken, vegetables were the last things I wanted to eat. I started slowly with salads doused in dressing, which ironically I eat without dressing now. At one point in the year I started to track my macros, which I eventually gave up on because it was too time consuming and eating healthy was already a step forward. I started to see progress within weeks, and that was just what I needed for my confidence.
Come Summer I was eating healthy, running, lifting weights, and enjoying every moment of it. In the fall, I decided to join my college cross country team. This was completely new to me. I never thought of myself as a distance runner, or really even a runner, but to be a runner you don’t have to be the best. To be a runner you have to be dedicated and work hard to improve, and that’s just what I continue to do.
I can truly say this was the happiest year I’ve had – in case I haven’t already said that enough. It’s silly that physical fitness allowed me to find myself again. I don’t know how it did, or when it happened, but something clicked and I was back. Of course anxiety never truly goes away, and there are hard days. There are days I don’t want to move because my body won’t let me get out of bed. But today, I have days that all I want to do is to run, to adventure, or to find something new. These days would’ve never come before now.
To this day, my resolution has stayed in tact. However, that’s not even what I’m most excited about. Sure, my resolution was met and that’s awfully shocking, but along the way there was so much more to it than physical fitness. In 2016 I found my passion, and tried new things I would’ve never though I’d do in a million years. I even fought my anxiety to my greatest ability, instead of accepting the fact that life would never be the same. Now I can look to 2017 with hope.
Truthfully, 2016 has shown me that goals are never as impossible as they seem. I always thought resolutions were made to be broken, but really they’re just meant to be tested. Maybe resolutions don’t have to be stuck to so precisely. Maybe they’re supposed to be changed along the way so that you find the things you enjoy, because that’s really why we make resolutions. We make resolutions so that we are happier in the year to come. So here I am, I did it. Early in the year I joked with my boyfriend, calling 2016 my “self-love journey”. As silly as it sounded, and as much as we laughed, in the end it really was just that.
