Last week, I talked a lot about what was going on with me at the beginning of the year. (You can read the full article here.) Being diagnosed with anxiety and depression really took a toll on me. It wasn’t until the last few weeks of the fall semester when I really started to feel better again. I came home for winter break, and I felt normal. I wasn't having the symptoms of the depression anymore. Throughout the entire break, I only had one anxiety attack, and I was very happy with my progress from where I was to where I had come.
Things started to take a turn for the worst the week before the spring semester started. I was at a doctor’s appointment for a normal checkup. That’s how these stories always start, just a normal checkup.
I had told the doctor my right side had been bothering me a little bit. I honestly wasn’t too worried about it. I thought maybe I had a cyst on an ovary or something of that sort. I've had to get checked for those before, so I didn't think anything of it. However, when she started feeling around she gasped, (side note to all doctors: try to not gasp at your patients. It freaks us out!) then she said: “That's not a cyst!” She immediately told me, “I shouldn't be able to feel anything like that, and that's hard! Nothing should be hard in our bodies.”
Now, as you guys are already aware, earlier in the year I had been diagnosed with anxiety, so hearing these things coming from a doctor is not a super calming experience. She told me she wanted me to have a sonogram, which I've had before, so I wasn't too worried about it. I walked up to the front desk so they could schedule it, and they told me I would have to go to the emergency room to have it done. Cue freak out. I had to call my mom and have her leave work to take me. The sonogram showed nothing. The only thing it showed was that I had a mass. The next few days were a blur as I was in and out of the ER. Mind you, this was only a few days before the start of my spring semester.
The first week of my spring semester, I had to leave to have my biopsy. The school was very understanding, and I even had professors emailing me, sending their prayers. The results were in. I had a benign tumor.
I was very lucky. Obviously, a tumor isn't very lucky, however, things could have been much, much worse. Cancer is pretty prevalent in our family, so of course, that was my first thought. Then the "whys" began. Why is this happening to me? Why did I deserve this? Hadn't I been through enough? I thought I was over all the hard stuff, and for a while it seemed I had. But I came to understand if it wasn't me, it would be someone else. Not only would it be, but it is someone else. There are so many other people dealing with this right now, and a lot of them have it much worse off than I do.
Throughout the panic of this situation before I knew the results, I realized something significant. I realized this could be life-threatening. I mean there was a very large possibility this could have been where my story ended. But that's when I realized I wasn’t scared to die. Don’t get me wrong; I didn’t want to die, not at all. I wasn’t scared, though. The thoughts that would run through my head weren’t about me; they were about my friends and family. I thought about how they would react or about what would it look like for the people in my life if I was gone. A scare like this makes you think, "What kind of impact I am having?" It makes you re-evaluate your life, decide what is really important.
It also made me sad, not for me, but it made me sad to think that other people who might be going through this don’t have what I do, and that’s Christ. If I was going through this without the big guy on my side, there is no way I would have been able to remain as calm as I did. This last year has been the hardest of my life. But through these challenges, I have learned to rely on God, forgive others, find the good in people, and trust that God has a plan for us. His plan is there whether we want it (or are ready for it) to happen or not, it's gonna happen. It's easier to stop asking "Why me?" and just buckle up for the ride.
Today, I am praying for those who are going through something similar to this. I pray they get to experience Christ's love and invite Him into their lives. I’m thankful that I have had such support in my life through my friends and family, but I am also aware that not everyone has this either. So if this is happening to you and you feel alone, just know I am praying for you!
I also ask something of you guys. This week is the surgery for my tumor. I am hoping you can keep me in your thoughts and prayers. I honestly am so humbled by those of you who have reached out and told me that my story has helped you, but I can’t take any of the credit. My story is His story.
