The holiday season is hell, let’s all admit it. For weeks leading up to Christmas, your life consists of swearing, yelling, anxiety, stress, crying, a little bit of happiness, a lot of drunkenness and a partridge in a pear tree. Your life will also consist of eggnog, Christmas cookies, ugly sweaters, drunken grandmas, excessive Christmas music and screaming children. Don’t you just love the holidays?

But as a guy, the holidays bring another level of stress. If you screw up your girl's gift, you will be in the doghouse until Valentine’s day, where you will probably screw up again. The thing is, though, women as a whole are the hardest people to shop for. You don’t think so? Let me explain it to you this way.

Women want certain things every year for Christmas. If you don’t meet their unreasonable expectations, you get the wrong end of a shoe. Women will give you a Christmas list in July and you will probably not even look at it until a week before the big day.

Upon looking at this list you quickly realize a few things. The first thing you realize is that most of the gifts cost way more than you were expecting them too. The second thing is that the gifts are going to be harder to get than you first thought. For example she might want L.L. Bean Boots, like every other college girl in the known universe. As a result, unbeknownst to you, they are back ordered until May. So you try finding an alternative and that is where it gets tricky.

You try looking for clothes and that is never a good idea to begin with. You see, women have a certain style and you simply cannot get them a shirt, you have to consider the shirt and how it will fit into the closet as a whole. What pants will they go with? What shoes will she have to wear? Do you have to get a necklace that goes with it? I know, we men are so simple.

You also can’t buy women clothes because their sizes are so confusing. I have no clue who invented the women’s size chart, but whoever did is an idiot. Seriously, what was wrong with small, medium and large? Size 2, 4, 6 and 0—what person thought that was a good idea? And another, you will never know the size of whoever you are shopping for. As a result, you inevitably have to ask a random stranger: “Excuse me, you're about the same size as my girlfriend. What size are you?”

Imagine if you wanted to buy a bra.

“Excuse me, what size are your boobs? Can you try on this bra and let me see how it looks on you, so I can know if I should buy it for my girl?”

After you return from the certain emergency dental surgery that will follow that question, you still don’t have a gift and you are missing your front teeth.

So why don't you buy her jewelry? This is a no-no. You see, diamonds are a girl’s best friend and if you go to the jewelry store and don’t get her diamonds, she will get mad. You get her just a necklace or a bracelet and she will begin to think,

“My man is dragging his feet. Sydney's man got her diamond earrings and she is half the girl I am. My boyfriend hates me."

Or you get her some sort of diamonds and then the thought pops into her head...

“My boyfriend is so sweet. He bought me the best gift, so when should we send out our save-the-dates?"

So never buy a girl jewelry unless you are prepared for the consequences of what could follow. Then why don’t you go to Victoria Secret and get her something that you both can enjoy?

Girls will agree, but do you know how awkward it is for a guy to go into that store? First, you will see a good-looking girl picking out something and you think, “Mmmmmm, yes." Then you'll see a girl that really shouldn’t be in that store and the clothes really are not her size and then that thought enters your mind, “Ughhhhhh eww. My eyes, I’m scarred!” So guys never go in that store, ever.

So if you can’t buy her clothes because you don’t know her size, and if you can’t buy her jewelry because she will get strange thoughts about your relationship, and you can’t buy her stuff from Victoria's Secret because you will see one of the contestants that lost “The Biggest Loser,” why don’t you just get her a gift card so she can get the gift herself?

No. Stop it. Get that thought of your head now.

A gift card is the worse decision because that tells her one thing, “Oh, you don’t care, cool.” The last thing you buy her is a gift card.

So what do you get her? Well, unfortunately for us there are three acceptable gifts you can get a women without getting in trouble. The first thing is Justin Bieber concert tickets, but that hell will come later. The second thing you could buy is a BMW because basic girls loves Beamers. The last thing you could safely buy her is a puppy because she will cry and love you forever.

Guys, we will never win at this. That is a fact. But at least do yourself a favor and don’t screw it up completely. Or else you will be joining that new puppy in the doghouse.

And ladies, men only want three things for the holidays: alcohol, alone time with you and that new Snap-On cordless drill set. It is on sale at Lowe's and Sears. (Wink, wink, Hales.)