In a recent, but somehow familiar, attack from Donald Trump to Hillary Clinton, a revolutionary new award system has been introduced: The "Woman Card."
The gist of the "Woman Card" is that you pull it when you need to win stuff and happen to be a woman. You know, like a presidency. A presidency that you're probably unqualified for otherwise, because, y'know, you've got a uterus or whatever.
Here's some advantages of this shiny new 'Woman Card' us ladies get to pull!
1. You'll never have to walk alone at night!
You know how when your mom said to never walk home alone at night? It may have seemed lame when you were younger, but little did us women know walking alone could legitimately mean being attacked or assaulted. If you do happen to walk by yourself, there's a good chance someone could be following you! You know, just woman card things.
2. Really long bathroom lines!
Bathroom line, oh bathroom line. How I admire thee. Who doesn't love waiting in line for what seems like hours as your bladder gets closer and closer to exploding? Staring longingly at the men's room as they walk in effortlessly to sweet release.
Legends say it's because we just take forever, but really it's all about bad design of women's bathrooms and the way we, as card-carrying women, wear clothes that make access to using the bathroom hard to do. How I dream of a female equivalent to assless chaps, or perhaps female underwear that you can just use the bathroom with them still on.
Obviously with our heavy Woman Card advantage, that would simply make us way too dominant of a force.
3. Unsolicited Compliments and Comments!
Nothing quite like trying to just walk somewhere, minding my own business, and have to deal with men making comments about my butt. If only I had a dollar for every time someone told me I would look much prettier if I just smiled. (Spoiler: I won't, I'm probably mad about inequality.) It's really a standard feature of the Woman Card, that actually makes you feel legitimately unsafe just existing.
4. More expensive...Everything.
There's just... so much too. We have to be hairless, except the hair on our heads have to be perfect, so, of course, that's an expense as well. We have to be well clothed, which women's clothes are more expensive, then if we have to take anything to the dry cleaners, they'll argue women's clothes are more variable and intricate to clean... meaning more money. We also bleed out of our vagina once a month inevitably, and apparently have to pay to not ruin our clothes. The Pink Tax is very real, and I guess the tax we must pay for our Woman Cards.
5. 78 cents for each man's dollar!
Unfortunately, we make a little less money with our Woman's Card because of our uncontrollable impulse to crank out children, or how we love to stay away from high paying jobs because of the pressure we get from not living up to the standard. So to say the least, there is a significant gap in pay between men and women, and an even higher gap between men and moms, black and Latina women, who make less than white women. (Would that be a super Woman's Card?)
Now, women, let us use our glorious Woman Cards and all the amazing benefits to the fullest! Be free from the crushing patriarchy!
So to all who legitimately believe there is a such thing as pulling "The Woman Card", here are our 'advantages' and what you are further advocating by creating a wider divide. Acknowledge we don't have a "Woman Card" to pull, and know when as women we are simply just amazing at what we do, we are equals, it's your turn to acknowledge it.
