I know the kind of woman that I am.

I am the kind of woman who snorts at a funny joke. I am the kind of woman who talks too much, and uses her hands to explain herself. I walk with my shoulders back. I am the kind of woman who cries loudly, unapologetically. I am not ashamed of my feelings. I cry big fat tears that fall and wet my jeans, my sheets.

My husband knows the kind of woman I am.

He knows that I get jealous easily. He knows I’m stubborn. He thinks I’ve always been the same woman, the same woman who he wakes up to. The same woman that wears three rings on her fingers, and bites her lip when she’s thinking hard. He thinks I’ve always had the same habits.

But only I know the woman I used to be.

I used to be the type of woman that would let a man yell at me. I know the times when I just sat there, my ears ringing with every word, every lash. I used to let a man explore me without saying yes or no. I would close myself up within my ribcage, I would protect the person I knew in the shell of who I was. I was a woman who accepted everything. Who cried silently while still on the phone. Who covered her smile behind her hand. Who leaned against a counter slumped. Who apologized for being upset, and who said it was nothing.

I knew women who weren’t like that.

I knew women who left when they knew they weren’t wanted, who didn’t beg. Women who fought for what they wanted. Women who loved and loved and loved and still had more to give. Women who opened themselves up and were able to hold the needle steady when they had to sew themselves back up.

I knew these women and I wanted to be like them.

I wanted to be strong. I wanted to say what I wanted without feeling ashamed of feeling that way. I wanted to be brave. I wanted to stand against the current that kept pushing me back down. I wanted to have the strength to get back up onto my feet. I wanted to crawl out of my hiding spot. I didn’t want to hide from myself. I didn’t want to hide from him.

But instead of becoming those women, I became me.

I stopped forcing myself to do things I didn’t want to do. I stopped doing things he wanted me to do. And he left me before I could say I wanted to leave him. He stole all of my words and chucked them back at me, and they all hit me, thunk thunk thunk. And I fell apart. Like a rag doll with a loose string that just unraveled and unraveled until there was nothing left. And I sank to the floor and the tears fell in a puddle around me. And I felt like I should melt away in my shower, like I should evaporate into thin air. The laughs that came from my lungs and throat felt empty, false. The smile I gave myself in the mirror felt wooden.

But that smile turned into a smile that was undoubtedly mine.

The women I always wanted to be suddenly didn’t matter to me.

I wanted to be me, every day until the day I died.

I wanted to live with myself for the rest of my life. I was the type of person that I never knew I wanted to be. I thought I wanted to be loud and unbending. I thought I wanted to be the type of woman who played hard to get, who never showed her interest in someone.

Turns out, I just wanted to be kind.

I wanted to be the type of woman who offered everyone a smile. Who opened her arms to strangers. Who loved unconditionally. I wanted to be the type of woman who didn’t feel like she had to hide her emotions. I wanted to cry openly, I wanted to soak through the sheets. I wanted to feel like I was worthwhile. Like I was worth it. Like I was beautiful. Like I meant something.

My husband knows the woman I am now.

I know the woman I am now.

And I am beautiful. I am beautiful when I wake up, when I cry, when my nose crinkles with my laugh. I am beautiful when I am lounging with a book in my hand, or my head tilting in my sleep. And I am strong. I am strong when I am not crushed by other’s words. I am strong when I speak up. I am strong when my hands are shaking but I am still clenching them into fists. And I am the type of woman who speaks up. I am the type of woman who says no.

I am the type of woman who reached into myself and pulled me out.

Myself is one whole complete being now,

And I have never been stronger,

I have never been more

Of a woman than

I now

am.