To the people who just don't understand,
This letter has been a long time coming, and let me start off by saying, this is NOT an apology.
Anxiety is something I have struggled with for a very long time. Even before I knew what it really was, I was suffering from it. My anxiety is triggered by anything and everything. There doesn’t have to be a reason, and I don’t know when it’s coming. It just happens and I can’t control it. My anxiety makes me fear that something is seriously wrong, even when everything is great and I have no reason to be worried. When I start to worry, I begin to think about what could be going wrong. I think about it over, and over, and over again. I think about it until it sends me to a point where I feel I am incapable of letting it go.
When the depression sets in, I feel alone. I feel unwanted, unimportant, lost and confused. I could be surrounded by people and yet I still feel like I am alone and hiding. I am hesitant to trust because I am afraid others really don’t care the way they say they do.
I will admit a relationship with someone suffering from anxiety is not easy. It is hard on friends and family, boyfriends and girlfriends, or really anyone who you encounter. The thing is, a person with anxiety really can’t do anything about it. They will always have that fear that something is wrong. Even when there is nothing wrong, that fear remains, and getting frustrated and angry will only make the situation worse.
For a while, I would apologize. I would accept that I was being “dramatic” or “emotional,” and tell you I was sorry for being a bother. But really, that wasn’t fair to me. I didn’t want to make things difficult. I wasn’t trying to start an argument. It was my anxiety that got in the way. It was my anxiety that made me feel unloved and unwanted. It was my anxiety that took over and would never set me free.
So, I am here to tell you that I won’t be blaming myself anymore. You see, if I apologize, that would mean that I have done something wrong. But that’s the problem, it’s not my fault. I can’t prevent it. I can’t control it. And when it happens, I can’t stop it.
What you need to know is that anxiety is, and will always be, a part of me. You have to be willing to understand that and accept all of me. I know it’s not easy for you, and I would never minimize the challenges you face having to be a part of my life. But as hard as it is on you, it’s even harder on me. I have to live with it every single day. You can walk away.
You can walk away whenever it gets too much for you.
You can walk away whenever you get tired of hearing me “complain.”
You can walk away whenever you just feel like walking away.
You can walk away. But I can’t.
I don't expect you to understand, but please, don’t ask me to apologize.
A girl and her anxiety.