I'm coming up on the two-year anniversary of my mom's death. She was hit by a car and taken to a hospital where she was declared brain-dead and where I saw her EKG flatline. That was also where I said goodbye as I felt her hand getting colder in mine.

Call me crazy, but I'm not over it.

I've been through the grieving process many times. I've been to therapy. I've talked about it with friends. I'm just not over it. I probably never will be, and so I've had to find a new normal. All this has taught me one very important thing:

Never say, "Get over it."

Maybe that much is obvious. You'd have to be pretty heartless to say those exact words to me or anyone that has experienced tragedy. Still, as the years go on, those words become easier and easier to think about. Even to myself, I think them. I want to be like I was before. I wish I could go back to that, but I can't flip the switch. For a lot of people, especially people who haven't felt that way, not being able to go back is hard to understand. I've had people look at me differently because they don't understand what to make of me anymore. Some want to help, but don't know how. Others want something, but don't know how to get it. The crux of it is, it would be more convenient for everyone if I was just back to normal. "Get over it" starts coming to everyone's minds if not in those exact words. When someone seems like not themselves for so long, "get over it" is really a plea to do something to get better, but there isn't always a thing to do. Even the good-intentioned people who want to help get frustrated when nothing they do works. The problem is, with grief, depression, or any mental illness, it is a personal struggle. I will never "save" anyone, and no will ever "save" me. It's like a ladder to climb, and the best anyone else can do is hold it steady.

The larger point is: I don't just want to apply this to me. It's useless to compare tragedies. I use what I've learned to apply to things like breakups and fights. I always listen to any struggle because people don't hold back grief. A bad breakup may very well be the worst thing a friend has ever experienced, and trying to make them "get over it" isn't helping. You've got to find the holes before you can patch them, and then you go one at a time. One of the greatest things anyone ever said to me when I was feeling down was, "I hope you feel better, but it's okay if you don't. I'll still accept you however you are." That one line made me feel better than dozens of offers to talk. It is so easy to feel broken and unrepairable, but hearing things like that is a reminder that we're never too broken to fix. There's always a way to happiness even if it isn't "getting over it".

It's a slow process, even for things that happen to everybody. If you're not willing to listen to someone and be there for them while they patch themselves up, don't expect them to be any different. Trust me, there will be a day when things are falling apart. If you're lucky, you'll have people who really do help you to find a new normal. If you don't have anyone, that's when you'll feel what it's like to be truly alone.

Be a little more selfless. Your friend doesn't want to go out? Don't think of it like an inconvenience. She knows she's not living up to expectations, but she can't. Understand that there are times when other people need you, sometimes in big ways, sometimes in small ways. You can be there for them, or not (no one forces you to help), but being a real friend means sticking around even when things are bad. It's up to them to be their own superheroes, but you can be their sidekick.