We all want to be liked—it’s human nature. We want to be a part of a group to gain support, establish a more visible presence, and feel a sense of belonging. But it’s easy to lose our way along the road to building friendships; we may end up mindlessly following a road without a destination, and unfortunately our lives don’t come with Siri to tell us what routes lead to happiness. It’s important to remember that genuine friendships start with who we are and our willingness to give someone a little bit of ourselves. We need to look inside before we look out to ensure that we surround ourselves with people who will lead us to where we want to go.
Appreciate every presence in your life.
These are the people that build your life. Even the people that we aren’t close with or don’t see every day mold us. Appreciate their smiles, their laughs, their unique senses of humor. Wave at the guy who stopped his truck to let you cross the street. Tell the Starbucks barista to have a nice day, too. Call your parents to hear them talk about the dysfunctional carpool line, how the Pittsburgh Pirates suck, about the neighborhood’s homeowner’s association. Everyone’s presence is fleeting; whether it’s temporary or permanent—remember that people matter most.
You can’t help everyone.
There is something self-assuring about being the calm in the storm for someone. But there’s a difference between a spring shower and a hurricane. If you can’t stay grounded, the storm absorbs you and you absorb the storm. Before you know it, you’re a part of the disaster, and your own state of mind is compromised. You can’t solve everyone’s problems.
Say no.
It isn’t your job to facilitate the lives of others. Your mind and body come first; if something begins to interfere with your state of wellbeing, it needs to go. Say no when you want to say no and yes when you want to say yes. It’s okay to be helpful and do favors, but distinguish the line between being kind and being used. True friends won’t hold your maintenance of sanity against you.
Reserve your time and energy for those who would do the same for you.
Life is too short to have someone’s back who doesn’t have yours. Appreciate the people that care about you. Some people will take advantage of your reliability and what began as a friendship turns into endless favors, and you end up being a servant to a self-acclaimed king or queen.
It’s okay to have high expectations.
It is okay to have high expectations. People’s expectations in friendships tend to reflect how much they are willing to do for you. If a friendship consists of disappointment and lack of consideration, redirect your time to someone who leaves you doubtless of unwavering loyalty. Your friendship is a special, personal thing that shouldn’t be thrown away to those who will abuse it.
Don’t make someone feel unworthy of your friendship, but…
Set some standards. Being friendly and being friends are not the same. You are important and valuable—don’t settle for people who don’t see that, believe you’re inferior, or begrudge your success. A good friend attracts good friends; compromising expectations in friendships is compromising your self-worth. If they don’t add positivity to your life, they’re not qualified.
A true friend is someone who will remain after years of distance, someone who forgives your mistakes, someone who never leaves you alone, someone who makes fun of the things they love about you, and someone who deals with your own kind of crazy. There are so many things nowadays that seem to define friendship that are completely unrelated to living a fulfilling life. Social media has created a distorted image of what the “ideal college,” “ideal vacation,” or “ideal friendship” should look like. But that’s not what life is about. Life is about hugging your parents, snuggling with your baby sister, playing with your dog, and maintaining genuine friendships. But most importantly, life is about embracing and believing in yourself. Because you can’t live for others without first living for yourself.
