Friendship. Today, everyone laments how difficult its become to make new friends. It’s hard in elementary school because kids are kids. It’s hard in middle school because those kids are now ‘mean.’ It’s hard in high school and college because ‘everyone already has their set friend groups.’ And then, to top it off, it’s hard when you’re a complete adult because…well, by that point you’ve probably just accepted that if life can make it hard to do something, it will—end of story.
But what about those lucky humans who already have friends? Well, my friends (see what I did there?) after managing to keep the same friends for more than a year, I feel mildly qualified to toss some friendship advice your way. And in this article, no one is safe—not even myself. I’m fully prepared to admit that at times, I’ve dropped the friendship baton in the relay that is life. (I give you permission to mentally slap me for that last sentence, but I’m not sorry.) But I try every day to keep those relationships alive and thriving because they’re what make my life interesting, and when I see people abusing their friendships and allowing them to become toxic cesspools of passive aggressive feelings and mutual *hidden* dislike, I get angry and sad inside.
When you make a new friend:
DO: Make plans with them!
Since I’m a shy person who doesn’t like to bother people, I tend to assume that if someone hasn’t asked me to spend time with them, that automatically means they don’t want to—and that’s a dangerous thought process when you’re trying to maintain a new friendship. Sometimes you might have to be the one to suggest getting lunch or just hanging out—it’s a fact of life, so stop taking everything so personally.
DON’T: Latch onto them like they’re a life raft and you’re drowning—it’s not cute.
Having a friend try to insert himself/herself into every aspect of your life at the beginning of your friendship is a major red flag, and it’s annoying. On a less aggressive level, sometimes getting a new friend is exciting and you find yourself texting them constantly or only making plans with them—and this is still overkill. Try to keep it under control so you don’t ruin it right off the bat.
When you’re angry with your friend:
DO: Stop for a second and make sure you’re not angry for a dumb reason.
Does it involve layers of drama that you both participate in? Is it something that you actually started? If you answered yes to either of these, you’re probably both kinda horrible and need to sort out your lives.
DON’T: Involve other friends purely because you want backup.
Doing this will make everything worse and you know it. Forming alliances will come back to bite you later, so stop that. Stop that right now.
DO: Tell them what’s wrong—AND FOR GOD’S SAKE, DO IT NICELY IF YOU CAN
People are not mind-readers. And if you try to make your friend guess why you’re mad by simply saying ‘You KNOW why’ when she asks you why you’re so angry, you’re drawing out the argument and making it that much harder to fix later on.
DON’T: Pretend to make up and stay salty about it forever.
Pettiness isn’t cute and the whole ‘backstabbing drama’ thing is highly overdone—we’ve already had Jersey Shore and Real Housewives. Get over your basic self.
General Things
DO: Text/Call your friends back—show them they matter to you. I don’t care if you’re ‘one of those people who never responds, ever’—for your friends, you text back. End of story.
DON’T: Get super angry if they forget to text/call back every once in a while—as long as it’s not a regular thing, let the little things slide.
DO: Give them compliments. Seriously, do it. Friend compliments are the most creative and hilarious.
DON’T: Help them create insecurities. For example, if she comments that she ‘looks fat in these jeans,’ kindly remind her to shut the hell up because she’s beautiful and you don’t want to hear that negative talk.
DO: Give your honest opinion, but take care to adjust the niceness level depending on the situation. I don’t care if you totally agree that your friend cut her straight across bangs waaaaay too short—you be as positive as you can muster, for her sake.
DON’T: Be too polite. The majority of promising friendships stop developing when friends don’t feel like they can say what’s really on their mind.
DO: Be dependable. Seriously. Be that friend they know they can call for anything, no matter what stage of friendship you’re at. Some people need to know you’re there to stay before they can feel totally comfortable with a new friend.
DON’T: Gang up on one person all the time. Even if it’s all in good fun, repetitive jokes that only seem to be aimed at one person can start unnecessary animosity.
DO: Get weird. Some of the most hilarious, laughing-while-crying, completely ridiculous moments I’ve had with friends were started by someone making a random weird noise or sharing a thought they’d usually leave unsaid.
DON’T: Treat friends like they’re temporary. I know so many people who commonly say things like “Oh, yeah—we used to be like, best friends—super close—but now we’re not.” And then they shrug flippantly, like they weren’t even the slightest bit upset. To me, the inability to assign any kind of permanency to a friendship—one of the most important relationships a person can have, in my opinion—is heartbreaking.
DO: RESPECT THE SH*T OUTTA THEM! Seriously. If you know your friend doesn’t like ordering food over the phone, offer to do it. If your friend hates knocking on doors because she’s awkward and shy, then meet her out front when she comes over. If you know your friend hates the word ‘panties,’ only use it occasionally to make yourself laugh.
So all of you who have friendships that you want to last, I recommend that you do something about it. Don’t take them for granted and don’t let them be one-sided. Because if you let them go, who else is going to go on midnight runs to find a fast food place that’s still serving ice cream or sit shotgun and play DJ when you’re riding in the car? That’s what I thought. Now go be a good friend—I dare you.
