I'm trying to change my focus when it comes to what I listen to and I was looking up some older pastors and I found this sermon that changed my perspective a little on the things I worry about.

"The things that you are most devoted to are the things that determine what you worry about. The thing you are worried about the most is the thing you are most devoted to."

Something that I feel we forget about is that the majority of us are insecure. We worry too much about what other people think. I sat down and wrote about the things I worry about the most, hoping that it would give me a different perspective into the things I should worry about versus what I worry about now.

1. Do I look okay?
2. Will I ever be able to emotionally connect with anyone?
3. Will I ever graduate?

I am extremely self-concerned. I will admit that. I’m constantly checking myself to see if I look okay because I’ve struggled with some body issues over the past few years. Sometimes I can deal looking like a mess because I wake up with a healthier state of mind but most of the time that is not the case. Since my teenage years, I’ve had this unhealthy view of myself because of living on the west coast and the people I was constantly comparing myself to. I gained a bit of weight in high school and it was a shock. I had no idea what was happening. Turns out, I have an auto-immune disorder, Hashimoto’s where (in a nutshell) if I don’t keep a clean diet (it’s recommended to eat gluten free otherwise my body swells up with fluid), my body reacts by swelling up, making it look like I gained a good amount of weight. This disorder causes depression, fatigue, weight gain, and lots of other things that make me feel like shit all the time. There is more to it, but this is something that I feel the need to explain to assholes that like to tell me I look a little thicker. I just found out I had this disorder about a little over a year ago. I don’t know exactly why or feel like researching the science to explain only because no one cares, but that’s what happens. It messes with my head, hardcore. It doesn’t go away when people tell me I look good. It’s not something that goes away if I work out more. My weight gain and weight loss is completely out of my control. I don’t talk about these issues because people constantly try to tell me I’m stupid for feeling this way but it’s something far beyond just having low self-esteem. It’s something I live with and it is okay for now.

2.

I used to think my parents’ divorce damaged me to the extent that I could never have a healthy relationship. Turns out, I’m just attracted to “good” guys and not godly men. I can't emotionally connect with these college boys because I'm not meant to. There is a huge difference. Something I struggle with is believing I can turn a good guy into a godly man because there isn’t all that much to do. There is SO much to do. I shouldn’t have to force a guy into being strong about his faith or believing everything that I believe. God will bring me a man that is ready whenever I am ready. It’s hard to trust that when everyone around me is in a relationship, but then I realize how lacking those relationships are because they aren’t rooted in Christ. I don’t want to be like everyone else. I would much rather be single in my twenties and be strong in Christ than be suffering because I can’t “get over” some asshole. Let’s be real.

3.

I go on and off with this one. I can’t tell you how many panic attacks I’ve had about the fact that I’m never going to get into graduate school. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve changed my major. Well.. I can, but I don’t want to. It’s embarrassing. I’m generally a very indecisive person and I just want to do what is right for myself. I’ve kind of hit the point where if I do that terrible in a class, I can always retake it. No big deal. If I have to be in school a little longer than I originally planned, so be it. It’s not wasted money. Changing my major forty-three times is holding me back from graduating “on time” anyway. It’s okay. People move at different paces.

My worrying isn’t going to get me anywhere. I need to remember that. Sometimes talking about the things I worry about lightens my worry, so that’s why I write things like this. It’s not to get people’s attention because realistically, who reads these? I’m trying to be more open with who I am and how I feel because in the past, not doing those things has caused me lots of trouble.

I trust God with all these things. It's not easy to trust Him all the time, though. I do my best.