I have a confession to make. Perhaps an unconventional one. I am 19-years-old, and I have absolutely no idea who or what it is that I want to be when I grow up.
The ones who ask me my major are greeted with “English and Communications,” though the follow-up of “What do you want to do with that?” is met with one of those nervous smiles and a shrug. They reply with a nod. “You have time,” they always say.
I used to believe that saying “I don’t know” made me powerless, insignificant, and without passion. I was never comforted by the words of “you have time” or “don’t worry” because, well, I felt that I didn’t have time and that I should be worrying, since everyone else seemed to have all of the answers and each of their paths all made up. They were determined, goal-driven people, and I began to think that maybe I wasn’t one of them, simply because my own answers had not become clear to me yet.
If I’m being honest, I’ve learned that not having my life together has made me feel more together than ever. Embracing that scary answer of “I don’t know” has given me the freedom from my mind and from my heart, the ability to explore and grow and thrive without the pressures of sticking to a particular path. As soon as I let go of the need for an answer, I found myself discovering more and more about the things I loved rather than the things I wanted to love.
Not having the answers has taught me to trust God. To let go. I’ve prayed more than ever recently about my future and about my life path, about clarity regarding both of those things, and it’s deepened my relationship and my trust in the Lord. I’ve learned to let Him carry the weight of some of, as I call it, the “I-don’t-know” burden, and it’s allowed me to be unafraid. To be sheltered and comforted with the hope of knowing that I am exactly where I’m supposed to be, even though it may be uncharted, unfamiliar, and frightening territory.
Not having the answers has allowed me to adventure. It’s caused me to explore avenues and to chase outlets that I never would've dreamt I'd follow, much less find myself enjoying. To take classes in things I absolutely loved, others that I didn't, and to appreciate both. To learn to fall in love with the process rather than the results.
It’s taught me not to take myself too seriously, because I’ve learned that my mind is allowed to change, to be shifty, to decide it wants one thing one day and another the next. After all, our brains aren’t even fully developed until 21 (and sometimes even older)...so why on earth should we have to choose a major and a life path and have it all figured out at 18?
I think it might be impossible (or at least highly improbable) that life will always be truly certain. Who's to say that your destined path can't evolve? Can't grow and change shape and form into something even MORE beautiful, even if that something is very different than the idea you started with?
To quote Marianne Williamson and my favorite "Akeelah and the Bee" scene, “Our greatest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that frightens us. And we ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and fabulous?”
...“Actually, who are you not to be?”
In a world full of possibilities, you are the one who controls who you are. You can be anyone and anything that you desire. Feel the weight and power of that for a moment, and feel proud of yourself for making it as far as you have in a world where knowing the answers seems to be more important than learning the lessons it takes to get you there.
To the ones who still don't know what they want to do or be when they "grow up,” I’ve learned the hard way that there is no formula for this. There's no way to write or read or research your way to your life path, no way to really "learn" it. Instead, I propose that we learn to rest in the mystery. Take shelter under it. You might be surprised that taking a step back helps you find exactly what it is (or whom it is) that you're searching for. Continue to seek out the things that spark a fire in your soul and ignite the passion deep within you, even if it’s the unexplainable kind. Keep searching and never stop exploring. Be okay with admitting you don’t know it all, because you don’t have to.
I don’t exactly know where my life is headed. I don’t know what major I want to be, what career I seek to hold. Heck, I don’t even know what I want for breakfast tomorrow morning. But in this attempt to understand all that I don’t know about myself, I’m finding out more by the day about what I do.
Finding yourself sometimes means stepping back, and other times it means falling apart. Pick through and decipher your own pieces. Eventually, I promise you’ll find yourself converging together again.
Who are you not to be anything you wish?
