I was experiencing some extreme writers block this weekend. I honestly couldn’t think of anything to write that felt authentic and I think that comes with the territory of creating weekly content. So I took a look at my list of ideas to see if anything could spark some inspiration when I came across “write about hugs and healing people.” That’s all it said. In the moment I wrote that, I just wanted to be able to write an article about how I think one hug can heal someone. Like if I squeezed hard enough all the broken pieces would magically stick back together. Then, I thought maybe I was hoping someone would do that for me.

I didn’t come to terms with my mental illnesses until December of 2015. My parents were getting divorced, my roommate situation was extra stressful and I was experiencing major withdrawal after leaving California – the place I was living out my dream for the summer. All of it kind of spiraled until my family insisted I finally reach out for professional help.

I’ve shown symptoms of depression from a young age, days spent in bed, long written letters about “darkness” and feeling helpless, etc. But I never thought it was serious enough to where I needed help. I thought I could fix it on my own or it was just normal teenage sadness that everyone went through. I think I almost romanticized my depression. It became “cool” to have mental disorders; chic even. Everyone wants to self diagnose and be part of the whole “tumblr” world. Tumblr has taken being sad, suicidal, and anxious and made it a whole world where people can idealize the “lifestyle.” Books are written about the “broken” girl who the boy falls hopelessly in love with. Having depression isn’t a fashion statement, it isn’t a trend, and it shouldn’t be your romantic story line. Its one of the hardest things I will ever deal with. And I will be dealing with it for the rest of my life. It doesn’t just go away whenever being “happy” becomes trendy again.

I have yet to find a therapist I feel 100 percent comfortable with. I have anxiety just thinking about going to a therapist because I have so much to say and how can I possibly get it out in one session? And then there’s curing it. Like a pill could magically make my brain create the right chemicals. However, taking the wrong pill can cause serious issues. For example, my prescription was so wrong for me it caused more suicidal thoughts. Now, I have a fear of taking pills because the wrong one could end my life.

I think the strides people are taking to make mental disorders less taboo are amazing. A couple of years ago I would have never thought that I could write something like this without being perceived as weak. However, I think we’ve publicized it so much and made it into something it isn’t. No part of what I go through is glamorous or fun or trendy. I don’t say I have depression and anxiety because that’s what my favorite singer says they have. I am speaking about my disorders because they have been medically diagnosed. I am speaking about them because I want people to know the difference between being trendy and needing help. I want people to know they are not alone. I want them to know that if they need a hug I’m always available.