I've struggled with trying to find just where I 'fit in' for as long as I remember. Maybe it's still a piece of my lost teenage soul that I can't let go of, or maybe I've been hit too many times to have the confidence to get up. But I'm letting everyone know, right now, that I tried. Every cliche squad I had from high school has either pick up and left, or drifted away as the calls of adulthood became stronger. I've updated my friends list more times than I can count, and even at the age of 20, my friends still consist basically of a revolving-door of acquaintances. As a youngster, I always imagined that my life would be filled with so much joy at this age, I wouldn't know how to handle it. Now, I've learned the mysterious (and sometimes dark) curve balls the world will throw at you.
I think I'm more insecure now than ever, which is something I was always told I'd 'grow out of', but the pressure to keep yourself together through every trial has left me bitter. I like to fancy myself a new hairdo every month, and exhaust any simple style I can to keep it out of my face. I like to pretend I know something I don't so customer's will enjoy talking to me. It's become clear to me, more than ever, that it's nearly impossible to be yourself nowadays.
The internet is flooded with self-help and body imagine repair, but I can't find anything that stops me from feeling lonely. As a child, I imagined being surrounded by people I've known for decades. I thought everyone loved an underdog and a pure heart, but we always find a way to break down people that are different than ourselves.
I can't express my gratitude for the life I have been given or the people that have come to bless it, but I still find that sneaky feeling of emptiness sinking into me at night. It's a basic human need to be loved, and to belong. Two things I have been stripped of many times, two things that I've yet to get back in the strength they once were. I've lost faith in this country because we're so used to knit-picking and negativity, that I think we forgot what empathy is. We've forgotten that other's needs are just as important as our own. We've become such an egocentric and unwavering judgmental nation, that we're afraid to meet new people. We don't want to make connections because that leaves us vulnerable. That means we would have to peel off the fake face we plaster on every day, and be real. There's nothing more scary and rewarding than exposing yourself for who you really are, but fear always wins.
I have faith that in time, my emptiness will fade; but that's not the same for everyone. I urge you, I beg you to save a life this week. Invite someone for lunch. Make a new friend at work. Do anything you can to stop this depression and loneliness that's devouring our hearts. Let kindness be your mantra, and stop being so damn judgmental.
