First off, I have to establish that I'm not some sort of masochist. Like most other people, I do not enjoy feeling bad about myself. I live for the days when I can walk out of my front door and feel as though I can conquer the world. When I feel smart and pretty and confident. But I don't always feel like this. Nobody does. And I'm here to explain why those days that you step out feeling ugly, stupid, guilty, or any of those other ugly emotions are so important.
When I was thirteen I went through the one and only growth spurt I'll ever have. I went from around five foot to five foot two where I've happily remained ever since. Some people were never destined to be tall. In the twelve months between the two heights, I distinctly remember getting random shooting pains in my legs. I honestly thought that I was dying once, until my mom informed me that the aches were nothing more than growing pains. And somehow knowing that the discomfort was part of my grand transition to a tall person made it a lot more bearable.
Taking engineering classes the past three semesters has been no picnic. It's been a lot of work, but more than that it's proven to me how average my intelligence really is. If I tell people that they will try to console and placate me and even make excuses for me. "No Emily! You're smart, it's just you've been really busy and stressed lately." Although I appreciate their attempts to prevent me from feeling some of the hurt that the truth of things may cause, I have to respectfully disagree. Looking at the world through the rose colored glasses of an optimist can be good sometimes, but can be dangerous other times. For example, refusing to face that I wouldn't pass a class unless I worked a lot harder than my peers was something that almost had dire consequences for my GPA. For someone who growing up tried to identify themselves with their intelligence, being average was a hard pill to swallow. And yes, it did hurt a little going down. But on the other side of that realization I was able to come to terms with myself, and was able to tailor a solution to the issue that would work for me. I had to stay in when I wanted to go out with my friends. I had to make some sacrifices. It made me a lot more humble.
This semester has been the first time in my life that I haven't worked out consistently nor eaten healthily. Not feeling good about my body and what my body can do is a feeling that countless people everywhere can empathize with. The discomfort I feel about what is me ultimately not taking care of myself is a silent pointer as to what I can and should do. So I've started to get back onto an exercise schedule, and have started caring a little more about what I eat.
The other day a girl I know asked to borrow one of my textbooks. She was perfectly polite about asking for it but I happened to be in an awful mood at the time that she came to pick it up, and I was rude to her when she stopped by. Later that day after I had taken a nap, I felt this awful sense of shame that I had acted like such a jerk. I apologized and was reminded yet again that I need to be careful about how I treat other people. And that sense of shame makes me a little less likely to do that kind of thing to someone else.
There are a lot of other examples. Watch the commercials that the anti-tobacco organizations air on television about people who were so ashamed of their cigarette habits that they decided to quit. All the stories of people who kicked one habit or another after they hit rock bottom. The most powerful inspiration for change is always internally generated.
You become who you shape yourself to be. Some people don't want to be great in the conventional sense. They just want to have fun and be themselves. No matter what your aspirations, It's not magic and it's not wishful thinking that will get you there. Yes, we are all dealt different hands in life. Some people may have higher I.Q.s and some people may have bodies that are more designed for athletic success (Michael Phelp's has a physiology that is actually better designed for swimming than yours or mine-- look it up). But all of us have the potential to be better versions of ourselves if we pay attention to those bad days. If we listen to those little voices in our heads whispering to us all of the reasons we suck, and let them push us rather than destroy us. They are growing pains of the you that you can be.
