I've seen arguments for learning to love yourself before you can love someone else. I've seen arguments against this. I've seen arguments for learning to love yourself before letting someone else love you (romantically, I assume). I've seen arguments against this. With all these conflicting accounts of what to learn about love and when, I'd like to share what I'm learning. This isn't to say that I've figured out the perfect formula; this is to say that I've chosen the path that seems right for me, and you get to do the same.
I am not learning to love myself; I am learning how to allow other people to love me.
When I was little, there was this other kid at my church who could not take a compliment. Whenever he was complimented, he'd brush it off and say that the person was wrong. I remember that my mom eventually told him that he wasn't allowed to do that anymore; he had to smile and say "thank you" when someone complimented him. I remember that my mom actually reminded him quite often to "just smile and say 'thank you!'"
It's so easy to disregard it when people say nice things about you, especially if you don't think you're all that. However, my mom taught me that it's rude to the people who care about you if you don't let them be nice to you. By disregarding their kind words, you're basically saying that they're wrong and that their opinions don't matter to you.
It's still so difficult, though.
When you don’t see your own worth, it seems ridiculous to believe that someone else could see worth in you. Personally, I think I'm great. I'm generally happy with who I am, and that's good, but I still have a hard time believing that other people also think I'm great.
As much as I try to allow people to be kind to me, at times it feels stupid. I feel insecure in my friendships no matter how many times my friends remind me that they love me and want me around. And if this is how I feel in my friendships, how much worse would it be for me if I was in a romantic relationship?
This is why I don't need to "learn to love myself before loving someone else" and I don't need to "learn to love myself before I let someone else love me." I do love myself. I am fully capable of loving others. I just haven't figured out how to let people love me. I haven't figured out how to accept people's friendship, kindness, and care. I'm always waiting for them to reveal that it was all a joke, that they didn't know how to get rid of me, or that they never really liked me in the first place. Every time I start to get past that insecurity in a friendship, something happens and I retreat back into my shell.
This is what I live with, but I'm ever-so-slowly learning to accept the fact that people love me. That includes all different types of love. My friends love me, my family loves me. I am enough for me and enough for them. I am worth their time and attention. And I will repeat this to myself over and over again until I believe it.
