The first article I ever wrote for The Odyessy was about my lone wolf status. I stand by that article, and I always will. That being said, there are reasons as to why I walk alone. I have always been on the outside looking in. Maybe I'm a wallflower. Maybe I'm socially awkward. And that's okay.

As a kid, I had no friends. That's no exaggeration. I had no friends. I'd go to class, I'd minimally interact with the other children, maybe get mocked for my weight or my goofy personality and go home. I never had playdates, or friends inviting me to their birthday parties. I can chalk that up to my personality. Even at a young age, I've been different. I never took anything seriously and always did stupid stuff to get a laugh. No matter how bad that made me look. It never bothered me that I often gave those who mocked me fuel for their mock fire. I always had the motto, "As long as they are laughing."

I guess you could say I was bullied, but I never took it as that. I always think of bullying as a negative, and nobody really made me feel all that bad. I was an extremely overweight kid growing up. Obese doesn't even begin to cover it. So, if they were to call me fat, would they be wrong? No. I guess I handle harsh truths better than I maybe should. What they said never made me feel as bad as I made myself feel. I had thick skin but a very weak sense of self-worth.

I eventually lost the weight my sophomore year of high school. People couldn't recognize me, and I was really scrawny. I never lost the weight for anybody but myself. One day I just found the power within myself to just do it. I'd be lying if people's positive reception to my weight loss didn't make me feel good. However, it also made me realize how that really doesn't matter. Their opinion of my weight had changed, but their opinion of me remained the same. That was the moment when I realized just how fickle people really are. Popular consensus is isnt't just a high school thing; it's a life thing. People are always going to be fickle and shallow. It's within nature itself.

My personality is extremely off-putting. It would not surprise me if people thought I had a mental or social disorder. I assure you, I don't. I'm just me. I can go overboard in the "trying to be funny" department that people just see a try hard. Nobody likes a try hard or a phony. I also can be tolerated in small doses. I'm sure my friends back in Mattoon appreciate my time in Carbondale. They get a breather. I'm always going a mile a minute and most normal people need time for seriousness or just a break in general. I rarely have those moments. It's like I wake up and my mind flips and switch and I go until I fall asleep.

That's only if you get the chance to be around me at all. I'm extremely shy and awkward. I hate approaching people and starting up conversation. When I am placed into a group in class, I rarely talk or do anything. I'm just not big on social interaction. I don't know, just mentally I can't do it. I fear confrontation and I fear rejection. Both of those are heightened when you interact with people so I just don't. When I do, I say and do weird things which make people think I'm mentally ill. I assure you, it's not a pretty picture. It doesn't help that I talk really loudly and I talk a fast. People rarely know what the hell I am saying. The only people who ever ask me to repeat myself are my family and my five friends. They know my pace and know how to interpret me.

Bottom line is, there are many reasons why I will never fit in. It's a combination of who I am, and the people around me. I will always be that fat kid who was picked on in high school for my weight and my antics. I will always be on the outside, alone, looking in at the party. The strangest part is, I couldn't care less. I never really wanted to fit in because that would mean I stopped being me, and I just will never do that. I don't need the approval of those around me to feel good or happy. I mean, I wish I had a girlfriend who dug my quirks, but whatever. I have five great friends who tolerate me, a pretty solid family and I can now safely say, a greater sense of self-worth.