Why did you message me?
Of all things, this is really what I want to know, because everything else happened because of this. I bet you didn't know that my heart skipped a beat and my chest filled with an overwhelming warm, happy feeling that I hadn't felt in a long time.
You probably didn't realize how much it took to respond in an excited but calm manner, while on the inside my mind was going 100 miles an hour trying to process. A guy I was interested in was interested enough to start a conversation with me.
Everything was going fine until suddenly it wasn't.
1. Why did you say things that made me feel special?
You told me I was attractive and laughed at my puns, responding with your own. You made me smile and actually laugh, not just type out the letters in a text message to fill space. We connected. We watched movies, talked, went over likes and dislikes. You walked me to the car, even in the rain, and you insisted on going to find that little umbrella you'd never had the chance to use for the occasion. You said you wanted to see me, that you'd visit while I was attending classes, but that never happened. Eventually you said you wanted to hang out again, and we did, but it was suddenly different.
2. How could you make me feel like I was worth having, only to make me feel like a burden the next day?
You flattered me, just by taking the time to hold a conversation. You complimented me, encouraged me, learned about me, and let me ask questions about you, too. You never forced me to answer, and vice versa. The only difference was that when I talked, you didn't seem to take the time to remember anything about me or what I said.
I don't think you knew that I'd never had a serious relationship. You flirted with me, greeted me with a hug (which I returned, a big thing as I`m not a touchy feely kind of person), held my hand (again, odd that I didn't have a personal space issue), and cared enough to make sure I got home okay. I hadn't had someone like you in my life before. No one had ever asked me if something was okay and actually wanted an answer. It was amazing to me that you would really respect me and my decisions. You also respected my morals and recognized them. You didn't push against them and you helped me stick to them. All I can think is that maybe they pushed you away somehow.
3. Why did you decide to go?
I remember the day, the day after my birthday (on which you didn't send me two silly words that would have somehow made you ignoring me okay) to be exact. I contacted you, fed up with the situation. I said I had a question, and upon asking, your response was not what I wanted, however it was also what I already knew deep down based on your actions. You didn't want to get hopes up on either side and you couldn't see it working based on who knows what, because you wouldn't tell me anything aside from that. Then, radio silence.
4. What made you become so distant?
One day you're responding, the next you disappear off the face of the earth. What happened to our ridiculous conversations that made my days seem a little brighter? You still haven't told me why you decided (without telling me) that we needed distance between us. For some reason friends wasn't even good enough for you. It was all or nothing, and you chose for me. I didn't hear from you for almost three months other than on Snapchat (which doesn't count as you never responded after I did). Silly me would answer, only to see later that it had been viewed three hours ago and that was that, leaving a little piece of my heart crushed each time.
5. Was friends really not an option?
That, I still don't understand, along with other things. I thought it was possible but you didn't want to give it a chance. All you did was ignore my attempts at normalcy.
6. Do you know what all of this did to me?
I bet you didn't realize that I replay moments, conversations, actions, movements, over and over in my head, wondering where I went wrong -- what I did to make you so distant. I blamed myself for all of it, even the parts I couldn't have controlled. I felt the overwhelming guilt of this, believing that I had turned you away from me when I didn't do anything wrong.
7. Why did you come back into my life and get my hopes up?
Those two or three months you lived in my memory, stole my sleep, tore up my confidence, and caused rain to roll down my cheeks on the nights there wasn't a cloud in the sky.
When you came back, a weight was lifted off my shoulders. I regained a friend I had lost. I thought the worst was over and that we could finally find a place that worked for now. So much for that.
8. Why did you decide to leave again?
It's been a couple weeks now, maybe more, and the most I get is a hello. It stings more than the cold shoulder. I feel like you pity me, and I am not a charity case. I was just fine until you turned my world upside down and inside out.
9. Did you get what you wanted out of it?
I sure didn't. I asked that we be civil, not strangers. I wanted someone to talk with, to ask questions, to be encouraged in my faith, and to chase answers with. I wanted a friend I could rely on, who would go on spur of the moment adventures, but there is a certain level of commitment involved in friendship, and it seems even that minimal amount was too much for you.
10. Now do you know what I want?
I want to be able to let go as easily as you did. At least I`m trying to convince myself that it is. If you can walk away and feel nothing, I want to do the same (but for some reason I can`t). I can't keep fighting this battle with myself. I am slowly giving up this dream, giving in to reality, and the fact of the matter is, you're done with whatever this was so it seems, and I need to be as well. It won't be easy, no, it has already been a roller-coaster. I find myself asking "what if" questions all the time, trying to pick the right path to go down next.
You know, people say "there are other fish in the sea". In the past few weeks, I've found there actually might be. Maybe those fish aren't good enough, maybe they are, but I won`t know unless I cast the line out again. And again. You can't expect different results if you keep fishing in the same spot, waiting for that nibble to turn into a bite.
The next fish might not be you. They might be similar. They might be different. I don't know which is better at this point. Until the right one swims into sight I`ll be waiting patiently, (more or less,) and I`ll know. With any luck it won`t be another one of these hook, line, and sinker scenarios.