Alone: separate, apart, or isolated from others.
Lonely: affected with, characterized by, or causing a depressing feeling of being alone; lonesome.
Currently, there seems to be an inability to distinguish the word “alone” from the word “lonely”. The words are used interchangeably, usually to describe the unpleasant feeling of having to be by yourself with no one else around you. Even people who consider themselves loners, or those who like to spend time by themselves rather than with people, are often perceived in a second rate manner, which can supposedly be solved by surrounding oneself with a bunch of people. I’m here to tell you that there is a vast difference between being alone and being lonely, and how being alone can actually do you a whole lot of good.
But why the accordance? Well, the underlying belief held by many individuals is that being alone will inevitably lead to feeling lonely; and this sentiment is hardwired within us. Abraham Maslow in his 1943 paper "A Theory of Human Motivation" proposed Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs, which ranks the needs of human beings starting from physiological needs to self-actualization. According to his theory, the third most important human need is the need to belong. As social creatures, it is imperative for us to have a sense of belonging, knowing that there are those out there that care for us. 73 years later, this theory has been over exaggerated.
The most over talked about, yet fundamentally accurate, reason for an inflated need to belong is social media. Right now, I can assume that you have checked some social media outlet at least once prior to reading this article. Although I could be wrong, chances are that I’m not. A 2013 Marketing Charts article finds that, on average, people spend about 3.2 hours on social networks. Besides the obvious time consumption that 3.2 hours can cause, what’s the harm? Well, with the rise of social media in just the past decade, it’s never been easier to connect with almost everybody, knowing what they are doing and when they are doing it. Yet, this knowledge can lead to a feeling known as FOMO, or the fear of missing out. FOMO can cause anxiety over the fact that someone is doing something somewhere else, and all we are doing is sitting, alone, in our homes. With this anxiety, we begin to attribute being alone to loneliness, which creates a craving for social interaction. We tell ourselves, “I should be doing x with y right now, instead of being here.” We tell ourselves that being alone is not a good thing, and so we desperately try not to be.
Knowing the second reason why we attribute the state of being alone to being lonely requires a look at film and media—specifically, love stories. In most movies and TV shows, a love interest MUST occur. Andy Sachs has Nate in The Devil Wears Prada, James bond has…everyone, and even the Hulk, the ripped green dude who makes Arnold Schwarzenegger look like a ferret, has had a love interest in every movie adaptation. The message is simple: you need a somebody there with the main character. But this over sensationalizing of relationships has its effects, primarily the belief that we to need somebody in our own lives in the immediacy, and that being alone means that we aren’t living the lives that characters have in the movies. I mean, that’s how it should be right? As an article written by Psychologist Anywhere states, “all too often one of the main reasons that both men and women get into a relationship, is related to a fear of being alone. And as any good counselor knows, a relationship that is based on fear is destined to be a very unhappy and unfulfilling relationship.”
Now, I want to state that real loneliness is not a good thing. It can sometimes lead to anxiety, depression, and drug addiction. These, however, are extreme examples of being lonely. Most of our “loneliness” comes from an inability to accept that, sometimes, being alone is ok. And just like most of our loneliness is a result of our views on being alone, the solution is simple: shift our perception—view the act of sometimes being alone as a good thing.
A 2014 Psychology today article written by Dr. Abigail Brenner finds that taking some time to be alone can do three things: give you time for introspection, allow you to recuperate from life’s demands, and allow you to be comfortable with yourself. By being alone, we give ourselves time to truly understand and reflect on all of our decisions and beliefs. We get to know ourselves better, which comes in handy during social situations where we have to stand our ground and not be swayed by decisions that contradict our values. Being alone also gives you time to simply relax. Our lives are constantly running, whether from school, work, or house tasks. Taking the time to be in solitude is like giving our brains some time to recharge; if we don’t sometime sit out, we won’t be able to function. Lastly, we become content with who we are when we are alone. As the saying goes, “we are our true selves when no one is watching.” By practicing being alone, we can come to understand that who we are is wonderful, and become comfortable with ourselves in other situations.
We don’t have to feel lonely when we are alone. We don’t need to connect with everyone we know, and we don’t need to jump into a relationship because we fear being alone. No matter our societal perceptions of loneliness, being alone can be a great thing. So go for it; learn to love solitude.
