For some people, setting up a salon appointment and sitting in a chair for an hour while a stranger cuts their hair can be a tedious and annoying task. The hair salon is a hot spot for scissor-happy stylists, awkward small talk, and last year's editions of Vanity Fair. Going to the salon can suck for everyone, but for a person like myself who pulls their hair out compulsively, scheduling a salon appointment can be anxiety inducing.

Since I was 12 years old, I've become addicted to tearing my hair out from my scalp from the root. It doesn't really matter if I'm under extreme stress writing a paper or if I'm relaxing in my bed watching Netflix. My compulsion to pull is a ravenous monster that is never satisfied. I love the feeling of relief I get when I finally pull that one strand of hair I feel doesn't belong. I love feeling the texture of long, kinky, freshly pulled strands of hair between the pads of my thumb and index finger. I even love the feeling of the smoothness of the bare parts of my scalp.

But when I look at the mirror, all those great feelings go away. Because I realize that I may never have a full head of hair again. I realize that I am constantly going to have to shave sections of my hair because my impulse to pull is too strong. I realize that I will never be as beautiful as I would like to be.

Going to any random hairstylist can be so difficult for a person with Trichotillomania ("Trich" for short), a hair pulling body focused repetitive disorder that perfectly describes what I go through. This condition, visible in the form of bald spots and patchy sections of short, regrown hair, can eat away at someone's confidence. Having a stranger look closely and touch a part of your body that you consider damaged demands a lot of vulnerability from someone with Trich.

Luckily, I have a hair stylist that I can be vulnerable with. My stylist is a really chill, tattooed, bad-ass woman in her twenties named Meredith. Not only is she amazing when it comes to working with hair in general, but she seems to know how to handle my trich-y hair situation. She has never pointed out my bald spots. She has never asked me about "what happened" to me. She has never asked me if I wanted her to "fix" anything. She simply suggests what cuts and colors will look good on me and converses with me about pretty much anything while she cuts my hair. I like her because, well, she's cool and personable. But it's also because she has respect for me and my condition.

I've been growing my hair out for the past year, but I've been getting the nape of my neck shaved since it's my favorite pull spot. I haven't had a real haircut in a few months, but Meredith is still one I trust with maintaining my undercut every few weeks. She always makes sure to give me fun designs and make my bald patch less noticeable.

I appreciate my hair stylist because even though I don't always feel confident about the way my hair looks, I leave the salon with my confidence boosted each time. Not just because my hair ends up looking better than it did before, but it means so much to be able to sit in a salon chair and not worry about what my stylist is going to say or think about my hair. It's nice to just be respected and cared for. And as someone struggling with compulsive hair pulling, I definitely feel like my stylist respects and cares for me.

That's something that everyone with Trich deserves.