I have never been in love, but I think I came close.

In the spring of 2017, I found the guy that made my heart skip beats. We met with alcohol rushing through our veins, and the bass of some music drumming our bodies. We barely spoke and never danced together, but we sparked conversation later the night. Our first meeting was a blur due to the buzz in my head, but somehow we managed to become closer than we ever had.

After we exchanged numbers, we talked like there was no tomorrow. There were few moments in which I did not text you or call you or Facetime you. Despite the two hour drive between us, we still managed to let each other in on every moment of our lives.

My favorite conversations with him were the ones late at night. We would Facetime each other right before bed. I'd have my laptop laying bed next to me with some kind of movie playing at a volume so low that no one in the house could hear it. He would be playing Madden barely focused on what I was doing. With one headphone in my ear, we would sit in a silence simply comfortable with knowing we were on the phone with one another.

Our moments together were ones that people were jealous of. We would dance in the kitchen to R. Kelly songs and lay together watching television shows that you knew word-for-word. We knew all the same songs, watched all the same movies, and told all the same jokes.

"They're like the same person," everyone always said.

You were not even my type, not the kind I went for at all. Yet, there I was, becoming wrapped up in you. I have never been the mushy type, but here I was getting all of those mushy feelings. I could not stop talking about him--the things he said, what he did, everything led back to him. I was giggling at his goofy compliments and getting butterflies all over my body.

I was feeling something in the pit of my stomach that I had never felt before. It was like I was on a rollercoaster--the ones that spin and dip and turn so quickly that it feels as if my body was always falling behind what was going on presently. I could feel myself falling as if I had jumped off of a cliff with a sail to keep my floating. It was exhilarating and scary, but I did not want to stop.

Then, as if someone had yanked the sail off my back, I learned that he was lying to me. I found out that I was not his only girl like I had thought I was, and it hurt because I planned my life around him because he was my only guy. Not only did he have another girl, but he had planned a future with her like we had planned one together.

He always told me that there was something he had to tell me, but I never asked due to the trust I gave him. I never imagined him lying to me, especially when I had never lied to him. However, when it became apparent that the secret was too big to continue to keep secret, I tried to turn off my feelings.

Of course, I still talked to him. Nothing was going to stop me from that, but I had to learn to lock my heart away in order to avoid me falling deeper and faster than I was ready for.

What hurt so much about this lie that he hid from me is he never told me what it was. Even when I finally learned what the big secret was, he denied it even more, never explaining to me why. Why lie to me? Why string me along for nine months to not even be able to tell me what everyone else was?

I felt stupid, and the only thing I hate more than being lied to it looking stupid.

We had a blowout in the middle of the summer that eventually led to our ending. I have never cried over a guy; I had always promised my daddy that I would never let tears fall over a boy. Therefore, after I shed a few tears, I wiped my face and promised myself I would never let someone hurt me like that again.

He recently has came back into my life, and I can not even say that it upsets me. There are some moments when I really wish I could forget the pain that I felt when he lied to my face. I am sitting in the room, laughing at something he said. Then, suddenly I remember that day I sat in the bathroom after we ended when I cried and questioned what I could have done to make it better, and I get too scared to go back.

I am terrified to jump off that cliff for him again. It scares me out of my mind and keeps me from going back. Yet, I still push away every other guy, always terrified it is going to happen again. I am terrified I am going to find that same connection with another guy and end up wallowing in my own pity. Therefore, I avoid the confrontation of a relationship with avoidance of serious conversations and lack of full commitment. I think he ruined me; I think he made me scared of love by yanking away the closest thing I might have had to it.