Who Are You & What Have You Done With The Person I Knew?

So there I was, standing still, frozen and confused as to what happened to you. The person I once knew so well, was gone, you have vanished. Someone I called one of the closest people to me, someone I once cared about immensely and could've sworn was meant to be in my life for so much longer of a time than this, is no longer there. Where have you gone? Why have you changed? Where is my best friend? Who are you, & what have you done with the person I knew?

So we could blame this on so many things. We could say that the transition into college was to blame, or the fact that we both handle change differently, or that we just aren't the same people we used to be any longer. However, I have never been able to put my finger on it. We have never admitted that it isn't either one of our faults that we just don't get along anymore, but that's because you've blamed our inability to get along and to be as close as we once were, completely on me.

Friendships are two-way streets, right? How does one person maintain a happy and a healthy relationship on their own? That expectation seems close to absurd to me. How can you place the burden of keeping a relationship successfully going, completely on the shoulders of just one person? That's a large pill to swallow, and one I shouldn't have to take; one I refuse to take.

Now don't get me wrong, I am far from a perfect person. I've made some mistakes. I've been a little too stubborn, sometimes a little too brutally honest, and I am most definitely guilty for sometimes not being the best friend to you. I am sorry for that. I acknowledge that. But do you see the fault in yourself as I have seen in myself? The proof that you don't is the silence that lingers between us.

I wish I could open your eyes to the pain and regret you've left like muddy footprints on my heart. You've left your mark, are you happy now? Is this the kind of remnants you wanted to leave behind? You had a best friend in me, but you no longer see it. I wish I could show you what you're leaving behind.

But with time, you will realize. I don't know if it'll be while you're walking through the mall, and you look to ask someone for an opinion on whether or not this dress makes your butt look big, or whether or not to wear a statement necklace or a long necklace with the new top you're splurging on. I don't know if it'll be while you're flipping through photos on your phone when you realize that most of the times you laughed until you cried were with me, or the days your smiles were the brightest was when you called me your best friend. You've thrown away something great, and I wish you could see it. But you don't, and I've grown to accept it.

Here I am, standing, steady. These words are ones I, at one time, never pictured myself being able to say after you so carelessly waltzed right out of my life. I wish you could feel the pain I did on that day. I wish you could imagine, just for a short time, how hard it was for me to let go of the dreams I needed you by my side through; The good and bad times as we grew up into the adults we've had plans to blossom into. I pictured you sitting with my parents at my college graduation, and I saw myself sitting with your parents at yours. I saw you meeting my boyfriend for the first time, and spilling out all of our embarrassing stories we have had together. I dreamt about walking down the aisle on my wedding day and calling you my maid of honor. I imagined us both crying happy tears during your toast on my wedding day. I pictured you as my child's godmother, and I saw us raising our kids in the same town- one mile apart just as we've grown up together. We had plans of being soccer moms, and class moms, and crafty Pinterest moms. You saw me through so many times in my life, and I have done the same for you. I pictured you in my life so much longer than you've chosen to stay. I wish I could say I know the woman you've become now, and I wish she wanted to know me too.

I've accepted the change now. I've learned to go day in and day out without you. I've stopped missing your surprise texts, cute cards, and daily reminders about how much you love me. I never thought I could do it, but I have. I attribute the ease of letting you go to the fact that you simply are not the person I once knew. The person I knew would not have thrown away such a strong relationship, treated someone so poorly, or hurt someone as badly as you have.

I could wish for so many things for myself. I could wish I still knew you, I could wish for our friendship back, and I could selfishly wish for you to miss the memories we once made. But I won't. Instead, I choose to wish for you to find your way. I wish you the best, and I wish that you will eventually find a friendship that amounts to half as much of what our relationship once was.

You're a good person at heart, you're just lost right now. But without a doubt, if you needed me, I would still be there to help you find your way again. I hope you find a new best friend, one who doesn't break down every once in awhile when things get to be too much, and one who understands you just as much, if not more, than I did. I hope you fall in love, get married, and are treated like the amazing person you are. I hope you find happiness somewhere in all of your days. I hope you’re happy, I hope you’re succeeding in all that you do, and I hope one day you find a person who understands your dire need for caffeine, your love for long t-shirts, and someone who’s going to be there to lift your wedding dress while you pee on your wedding day.