"Write hard and clear about what hurts." -Ernest Hemingway

Before you read anything below this sentence, I just want to say that this was very hard to write. Especially sharing it to a huge social platform. But, I convinced myself that writing this article will not only help me let some things out, but maybe this article will actually help other people know that they aren't the only ones that suffer from depression and overthinking. It does make me feel better when I read articles that talk about these kinds of issues. I get this little sense of closure that I really am not alone in all of this.

Depression is something I have never been able to control. It comes and goes normally, but I really don't know how to deal with it. Every single day, I suffer from the gravitational pull of my negative thoughts. My thoughts control me and there is no way out. I try to distract myself as much as possible so I don't trick myself into overthinking and essentially creating an anxiety attack. You feel trapped and claustrophobic. Your chest becomes tight and you feel like you are gasping for air. You feel every emotion all at once. It spirals out of control, causing you to feel completely flustered. You start to shake yourself back and forth to wake yourself up. You feel like the whole world is on your shoulders and your ears go numb to the millions of voices continuously questioning you over and over. The constant overthinking creates voices that echo all around you and will take a hold over your mind. Right from the beginning, the exit out of depression is nonexistent. You can't see the exit, let alone know how to find it. You repeatedly think to yourself as you feel every single emotion trapped inside your body, "will I ever find the exit?"

I keep a lot of things to myself. I've never really been one to share my emotions with others. I don't think I've ever talked about this with anyone deeply. Just my mom recently, but only a select amount of people I've known in my life know that I deal with depression. Truly, with whatever obstacle you are facing, whether it being a family member dying or broken relationships, it takes time to heal. It takes time to find yourself and invest in yourself. It takes time to really know who you are.

Honestly, sometimes I'm just really good at hiding it. And when I say "hiding it" I mean hiding my tears, my emotional pain, my constant overthinking, and my frustrations. I hide it inside myself like a closed bubble. That bubble grows more and more as I keep trapping these thoughts inside it. Sometimes it takes just a few days for this bubble to pop, sometimes it takes weeks. When that day comes, when I've just about had enough of hearing these arguing voices trapped in my head, I'll become frustrated with myself. I will cry and curl into a ball on my bed. I'll start to question myself repeatedly until I fall asleep, drenched in my tears. It takes about a couple days for me to go back to "normal." Crying usually does the trick to snap me out of depression, but it's not always the cure. Some things do stay in the bubble time after time. The anxiety cycle is continuous.

Every single time I go through an anxiety attack, the word "alone" repeats itself about a hundred times. It's the overthinking talking in my head. I really am not alone, I have a great family and beautiful friends, but sometimes I really do feel alone in this world.

I don't know where I'm going and I don't know what the future is going to be like for me. I get worried that I won't find an amazing guy that treats me with respect, love and affection that I truly deserve. I'm afraid I'm going to be mistreated again. I hate that I overthink so much and cause myself to become so sick to my stomach. I hate that I criticize myself and I'm not confident enough. I don't give myself enough credit. I give my heart out to people way too quickly. I care too much too fast and expect too much in return. I get stepped on repeatedly and I will still be there for people that really don't deserve my company. I am disappointed with myself too frequently, and I know I shouldn't be so hard on myself. I still am though. Sometimes, I wish I was a little bit heartless and maybe I wouldn't feel so much.

I have learned that I am not one that copes with things easily. Instead of talking to someone about my issues, I drown my negative thoughts by blasting the radio in the car and drown myself into the music. It takes my mind off of everything I am dealing with, just for awhile. I roll down my windows and breathe in the fresh air, so I don't feel trapped. It just makes it easier to breathe. I feel that filling my mind with my favorite songs makes me happy just for that moment. Singing and grasping too each word, each lyric and the melody makes me feel like I'm in a different world, away from my problems.

I want to feel ok. Completely ok. I want to heal from a lot obstacles that I have faced just this year. I want to heal from some struggles that I have dealt with in the past years. I want it to all go away. But life doesn't give you instant gratification to every crisis you face. Life was given to us to experience all of it--the happy times and the bad times.

You really don't know pain until you're staring blankly at yourself in the mirror with tears streaming down your face and you're just trying to pull yourself together, but you can't shake it off. It hurts way too much and you keep screaming in your head, "Take this pain away!"

Unfortunately, life does not work like that. Time is what gives us closure for things that have happened to us. I have to let time heal me. I'm very fragile, but I know I have a beautiful soul and I should try to be more optimistic and less pessimistic about the bad times. Again, it takes time to find yourself, heal and move on from everything.

The purpose of me sharing my own struggles and deep thoughts is so that people, like me, who are dealing with depression will know they aren't the only ones. Take a step back everyday and look at all the beautiful things you have. Know that you are going to be ok, you just have to truly believe that. Take care of yourself. We all have so much to offer to this world. Never give up on yourself.

No one has a perfect life. There are always going to be obstacles that I will have to face day by day. Sometimes life is way too hard to face and that's ok. Not everything in life is going to go perfect, you just have to make the best of every situation.