Suicide is a tough subject for me. It’s probably a tough subject for damn near everybody. Death is hard to deal with, whether the dead die on purpose or by chance. Lately, I just feel like it’s right to talk about it.
On Suicide
Maybe only people with messed up minds think about it. Maybe every single person thinks about it. It’s hard to tell if someone is hurting or wants to die, and it always comes as a surprise when someone kills themself, no matter how blatant or secret their unhappiness is.
It’s difficult to fathom why someone would want to die. Back in high school I had a theory. I never really talked about it but it’s easy to write about it because at this moment, I am speaking to no one but my Mac.
Maybe people want to die because they want peace. Death will silence the voices in their head. Their mind might always be buzzing. Only sleep gets the thoughts to stop, but what about the nightmares? That lucid dream sleep that makes blackness so much more tempting.
Death stops people from hurting them. A bully, a parent’s significant other that hates them, anyone. It stops the letdown and disappointment.
Death solves problems. Money isn’t an issue any longer. Boyfriends don’t cheat. Cars don’t break down. Grades don’t matter.
In a crazy, painful, buzzing world where silence never happens death makes peace.
It’s tempting, isn’t it?
On Family
After suicide touches the family, nothing is ever the same. A mother’s heart beats a little differently. A father’s love is a little jagged. A sister or brother has nightmares and wakes up to no change, just the same nightmare. A lover is jaded.
A family has to decide whether they’ll close the bedroom door and pretend nothing changed or if they’ll get rid of everything and let the memories of every little item slip away.
Suicide has a domino effect. It causes death from a broken heart, it causes more suicide, and it causes divorce and hatred and rifts between families.
Halloween isn’t scary anymore, because the scariest thing has already been experienced. Thanksgiving is even drier than the turkey. Christmas is forever weird because a smile is missing. A New Year’s kiss is gone. By Easter, prayers of a different resurrection go up to the Lord. April Fools will be a terrible joke.
Every freaking thing will be different. Everything will have holes.
On Friends
Someone loses more than their best friend. Half their heart is gone. Memories are painful to look back on. It feels wrong not going over to their second family’s home all the time, but it also feels like imposing if they try to go over. And there is confusion. So much confusion. Because why would their friend do that? How could they leave them alone to fend for themselves in this screwed up world? What was so bad that they couldn't even talk to their best friend about it?
An entire student body is thrown off track.
Teachers lose their favorite student.
Sports teams have to fill a hole and a void that can never actually be filled.
Roommates have to get used to the empty spaces left. And give the family all of the stuff that once filled their room.
On Life
Life isn’t so difficult, you see. Hard times happen and we utilize unknown strength to overcome those hard times. We pray and cry and yell and punch things or get drunk, but we get over them.
Let’s be real. Pain never really goes away. Hard times never quit haunting us. But if you choose not to pity yourself and to get help when you think you need it, those things will become easier to deal with. Coping is a great thing to do when truly moving on is too hard to do.
Life can be beautiful and the mean voices will silence and the assholes who hurt you will be taken care of by karma. Everything comes back around. There is a reason you are here on this earth. And there is always someone who loves you or who is willing to be there for you. So simplify, it's not that difficult.
Simplify. If you’re in pain, do something to help yourself stop the pain. Get help, talk to someone, get medicated, work out, call a suicide hotline, or make art.
You are not weak if you admit you need help.
Simplify. If you think someone is in pain, help them. Reach out to them or their parents or a school counselor. Smile at someone who is frowning. Wave while driving down the road to someone you pass. Be freaking nice.
You are not betraying a friend who needs your help, even if they say they do not want it.
I once saw a post that read:
It’s so damn true. Be there for anyone. Love anyone. Every body needs it. And someone loves you. Being nice has no consequences. Loving too hard may get you hurt, but remember? Dealing with it gets easier with every heartbreak.
And think: if every one works not to break someone else’s heart, be it through relationships or suicide or anything, less people’s hearts will break.
Please don’t hurt yourself. It gets better.
National Suicide Prevention Hotline: 1-800-273-8255
