I lost my mom roughly two years ago. It doesn't matter how, or why. What matters is that living without her is hard.
Nearly every day something crosses my mind that has to do with her. It affects how I live my life and the decisions I make. It has affected relationships, especially with my family. I want to share how I feel in hopes that other people (especially young women) understand they're not alone.
There are so many memories that make me happy. Almost just as many make me sad. We had an awesome family of five. My mom, dad, my older brother, and younger sister. Our household wasn't perfect, but I believe my parents tried very hard to give us what they could. I remember the big memories—the summer we bought our cabin, my older half-siblings weddings, getting a puppy after wanting one for 10 years, my brothers high school graduation. I look back and miss the five of us, now that it's just me and my dad. You don't grow up thinking one day you'll lose everything. Your house, dog, siblings, friends. I'm glad I got 18 years of a family rather than none at all though, believe me.
I think about when I go wedding dress shopping, and how she won't be there. There are many times where I want to call or just send a quick text. I HATE admitting it, but I am a lot like my mom. We share a love for coffee, teaching, long walks, good books. So when I find a new coffee shop, make headway with a student I've been working with for so long, discover a walking trail, or finish an amazing book, I want to share it with her. But I can't.
It's hard because a mom is irreplaceable, and I have to make do without.
My mom was the worst cook ever, she'd admit herself. But she had a few staples that were like a piece of home, and I can't, no matter how hard I try, replicate those dishes. French toast, baked ziti, and tater tot hotdish, and oh my god her moc chow mein do not taste the same! I wish I could show up at her house and eat a heaping plate of these and take enough home to last me a week.
Holidays suck. They are terrible. I pretend November and December don't exist. Nothing is the same, and when everything has been the same for 18 years it sucks—I seriously don't have a better word—to try and adjust. I miss our little family traditions. Long drives to my aunt's house for Thanksgiving...the five of us picking out a Christmas tree at Gerten's.
I wanted this to go on forever and suddenly I was without.
Not having a mom is hard. Sad, sometimes. But I am happy with where I am in my life now, and grateful for the women who support me as if I was their own daughter. I have learned a lot from my situation. And I know I'm not the only 20-year-old girl trying to navigate life without a parent.
