When you love someone with an eating disorder, it’s important to realize that it’s not about being skinny. It’s not all about being looking like a super model, fitting in a bathing suit, or impressing other people. Our eating disorder isn't a diet gone wrong or a trick to get attention. We know there are healthy ways to lose weight and we understand the idea of moderate diet and exercise, but this isn't a diease based on rationality. We use the behaviors of our eating disorder, the restricting, the bingeing, the purging, and the over-exercising, as a way to cope and feel some vague sense of control when our life feels like a mess. We may not be able to control everything else in our life, but we can control the amount of food we put in and take our of our body. It's important to realize that our eating disorder is a symptom of some kind of deeper problem. While some may ignorantly categorize this disease as a vain quest for beauty, in reality, it is a debilitating mental illness.
When you love someone with an eating disorder it’s important to realize that recovery is a long process. Unlike a cold or the flu, an eating disorder can’t be fixed with a quick trip to the doctor and a round of antibiotics. Recovery is about learning how to live a life that is not controlled by food, calories, and weight. We must learn how to use healthier methods to cope, rather than hurting our bodies in an effort to feel in control. Even when our we are technically at a healthy weight and no longer practicing dangerous behaviors, we may still be waging an internal mental battle against our eating disorder. Years of therapy and trips to the dietician do not always offer an easy fix. Unlike an alcoholic or a drug addict, the source of our addictive behavior is necessary for survival. Celebrations, social interactions, everyday life is often and unavoidably focused on food. Food is an inescapable part of life, and therefore, we will always be working toward recovery.
When you love someone with an eating disorder it's important to know that we'll do things you don't understand. Whether we're deeply entrenched in our illness, or on a road to recovery, we may do things that don't seem rational to you. No, we don't enjoy throwing up, starving, or exercising until we feel faint. These behaviors are controlled by our eating disorder, and when we are in the depths of our illness, they seem like the only way to survive. We may lie, manipulate, or do other things that seem out of character. These dark actions are driven by our illness- the evil monster that lives within. Controlling our weight becomes an addiction, and we will do anything to get a fix.
When we're in recovery, we must find healthier ways to maintain a sense of control in our life. Rather than going out to eat and having a meltdown, we may prefer to eat "safer" foods at home. A holiday centered around food may seem like a celebration to you, but for us it's another challenge to conquer our disease. We may prioritize a workout above all else because we know a rush of endorphins will keep us calm and positive. We may plaster our walls and mirrors with affirmations, reminding us that recovery is worth it. So although these actions may seem odd, they are a part of our journey to recovery. Reaching recovery is a full-time job, and requires dedication and effort.
When you love someone with an eating disorder, it's important to remind us why you do. Low self-esteem is the foundation of many eating disorders, so if you love us, take a moment to tell us. We don't need empty compliments or to be constantly told that we're skinny and pretty. Instead, remind us that our value lies beyond our appearance. Tell us you love us because we are strong, smart, and kind- not only because we are attractive. Although it's nice to feel beautiful and desired, your love should not solely be based on the way we look. Tell us you love us, even when we have a hard time loving ourselves.
If you love someone with an eating disorder, it is important to remember that we are more than our disease. Like everyone else, we have struggles and challenges but they will only make us stronger. Our eating disorder will undoubtedly shape the person we are, but it cannot define us.
If you love someone with an eating disorder, thank you. We know it's not always easy.
