Sometimes it hits you like a train. You feel like you can't breathe or think or sit still. You can't do anything besides hold back tears and wait for something to make you feel better.
And sometimes it builds slow. More things pilling on top of each other until your thoughts overwhelm your fragile peace.
You don't know where to turn or what will bring your racing heart back down to normal levels. Everything feels too out of control and too complicated to begin to unravel.
That's anxiety, at least in my experience. And I had forgotten what that felt like until a couple days ago.
When I was around 15, my anxiety finally surrendered to many years of therapy. I warred with my mind for years, but one day it was just gone. Like it never existed in the first place. And I forgot all about the pain and anguish that comes with panic attacks. I felt powerful like I'd conquered some unstoppable force that brought many before me to their knees. For many years I've felt like I am the happiest person in the world. I love my life and everything in it
But I wasn't as in-control as I thought. The disease that felt as if it disappeared in a second reappeared harder than ever before. I've spent the last few weeks dealing with personal problems that became too much for me, but I slowly began to get a grip on everything.
Despite making progress towards dealing with my issues, my emotions went from upset to overwhelmingly out of control with no warning at all. Crippling fear and overwhelming thoughts left me glued to my bed. The day was wasted crying without reason and laying around hopelessly sad. I tried drinking tea, reading, googling cures... I even tried meditating which is something I never do. Nothing helped, and I was stuck in a day-long panic attack that left me feeling drained and alone. I hit my personal rock bottom, and I felt there was no way to escape my own irrational thoughts.
So I decided I needed help. Which is something I haven't asked for in so long. It was humbling. Calling my family and telling them I was not okay and I needed them was rough. Being in college and living on my own gave me a false sense of independence. I thought I was invincible and didn't need anyone anymore. But I do. I really do, way more than I realized.
Asking for help is a sobering moment, but your mental health is worth it. After realizing I couldn't handle everything on my own, I made my first therapy appointment in five years. The second I made my appointment it was such a weight off my shoulders. I could breathe again after weeks of building anxiety.
If your mental health is suffering, please ask for help. We are only human. You don't have to always bear the weight of life alone.
