So here I am in Bali, Indonesia of all places. A group of friends and I are staying at a pretty nice villa for a week and we decide to book a tour of the island. This tour is rad. Our guide, Dedy, takes us to Mt. Batur for an Indonesian buffet, the Sacred Monkey Forest in Ubud, a Batik clothing company, a gold and silver works company, a holy Hindu temple, a Balinese plantation with free coffee tasting, rice paddies, a rice terrace...what more could we ask for? Oh yeah, the tour concludes with a two-hour spa treatment. I was pumped, but I'd never been to a spa before so I had no idea what to expect. Boy, was I in for a couple surprises.

First, there's the part where you've got to strip down for a bunch of strangers. I was fully aware of this because you hear things about spas and see massages on TV all the time and the people are always naked under the sheets. But you don't really realize how naked you've gotta be until you get in the room and they give you a basket for your clothes and say, "take it all off and I'll be back in a couple of minutes." Then you just stand there for a bit and you're like, "all of it?" Yes, all of it. I didn't know how I was going to be able to relax, but in the wise words of my lord and savior Tim Gunn, I needed to make it work.

So I get on the table and put my face in the little hole and this woman hits the ground running. Now, I was only semi-aware that this was going to be a full body massage. I learned quickly that when they say "full body" they really mean it. She just starts going to town, full force, and I'm thinking, "okay, this is fine" until she starts pounding my ass cheeks. I had to hold back the most intense laughter because I have the sense of humor of a ten year old boy. But then I'm like, "ok am I going to be able to do this for an hour?" In short, yes. It was fine after that. As soon as you just accept how awkward the whole ordeal is and succumb to relaxing it's a pretty great experience.

After the massage they gave me a body scrub. It was hella nice. But then they left for a while and I was under a sheet covered in coffee grounds with this intense flute music playing in the background. They don't prepare you for the series of existential crises you are bound to have in this moment, let me tell you. Thank god they came back before I spiraled too far. But you know what they did next? They covered me in yogurt. Heckin' YOGURT. And you know what's wilder? I enjoyed it. I enjoyed being covered in yogurt.

The session finished with a flower-petal bath and hot tea. I've never felt more luxurious in my life. In fact, I don't think I'll be able to take a bath without flower petals ever again. However, I felt a little less luxurious when I slipped in the tub and my fat ass displaced half of the water and almost all of the petals. Oh well, you can't win them all.

In conclusion, I'd like to say that my first time at the spa was a success. It was a little uncomfortable at first but then I was like, "when the hell am I going to get this opportunity again?" Might as well take the opportunity to relax while I can before I have to go back to classes, essay writing, exam taking and attempting to make comprehensive plans for my future. Even though ninety-percent of the time I couldn't understand what my therapist was saying, just said "mhm" and hoped for the best, I think it was totally worth it.