In the most ingenious marketing stunt of the year, 50 Shades of Grey is coming to theaters on Feb. 13. Whether you are an angry single with an us-against-all-things-heart-shaped attitude or madly in love with your person, going to see this movie seems like the perfect Valentine’s Day activity -- at first glance. But, then, you start to realize how uncomfortable this is going to be to watch with your friend, let alone your boyfriend.
Questions arise.
“Does my boyfriend have a room like this?”
"Does he want a room like this?”
“Oh God, is this what sex is supposed to be like?”
They start running through your mind, and you awkwardly slide to the farthest point away from said boyfriend for the rest of the movie.
You could also go with your BFF, but then you two will probably end up having an equally uncomfortable conversation about sex and your relationship would never be the same. The question then arises, “Who should I watch this movie with?” I do not have an answer because, even reading the book, I could feel God judging me -- and there weren’t even pictures. But I have managed to surmise the people you should absolutely not go see 50 Shades of Grey with.
1. Your mother. Is there really an explanation needed for why you should not go with your mother to see a movie with a rating that includes “strong sexual content including dialogue, some unusual behavior and graphic nudity?” Does your mom now think you have a sex room? Does your mom have a sex room? Oh, gosh, my eyes.
2. Friend from work. You two are pretty close. You see each other every day at work and make caddy jokes about the people who come in your store, restaurant or business. However, are you really comfortable enough to watch this movie with them and then look them in the eye the next day at work? Probably not.
3. Your boyfriend. Again, taking your boyfriend is definitely a no-go. When his friends asks what you guys did for Valentine’s Day, he will tell them and will become the butt of everyone’s jokes for weeks. Not to mention the outright awkwardness that will arise between the two of you after watching whatever is going to pop up on that screen.
4. Your sibling. Your sibling is kind of like your friend from work. You share a select amount of secrets with each other and crack jokes over Thanksgiving and Christmas break, but are you going to be able to stand next to them during the blessing at Easter and not feel uncomfortable? Nope.
5. Your dad. Why anyone would take their mother to this movie is one thing, but taking your father would create a whole other level of awkward. Whether you are male, female, or whatever, you and your dad are not comfortable enough in your relationship to watch an R-rated porno.
6. Your dog. I would not even illegally download this movie and watch it at home with my dog. They are so innocent and sheltered. How could you strip them from this without even getting their consent?
7. A guy you’re on a first date with. LOL. Awkward. This guy is either going to totally get the wrong message or think you’re a freak because you don’t even really know each other. Just say no. Don’t do it. Don’t even think about it.
8. Yourself. Maybe I am just not comfortable enough in my own skin, or maybe I am just too sheltered, but I could barely get through the book. There is no way I am going to see that movie. The scenes are already etched in my head; I do not need Jamie Dornan to act them out for me.
